"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." -- unknown

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - Albert Einstein

Never found
September 19, 2009 - 8:26 pm

There's no real tragedy in my life. No real loss. No... well, no anything pointedly bad. Nothing like that. Nothing.

I'm left feeling, if you'll forgive the term, envious of people who are depressed for a reason. From a loss. A real problem. A real issue.

I don't have that. I'm simply defective out of the box.

For those with a reason, they know (perhaps just deep down) that being depressed isn't who they are. They know there's a reason, a cause. There is something impacting their life.

That doesn't mean it's "easy" to fix or deal with. I don't mean to imply anything like that or in any way belittle what someone else feels.

I mean.. for me, there is no reason. Being depressed is my normal. This is how I am. There's no 'issue' to resolve or come to terms with. There's no grieving period. There's no.. topic to discuss with anyone.

It's simply me. Simply part of what defines me as me.

I think I've talked about this before on here. If only fleetingly... I don't think it's one of the countless entries I've typed and deleted.

I can recall being about 15 and thinking that I will be the cause of my own death. I can remember saying to myself, "Let's wait until I'm 21. At 21, there's nothing you can't do. Nothing you won't have at least had the chance to try. So let's wait for that."

I can remember being 21 and thinking, well... now what?

I remember wanting a reason. No, not a reason.. an excuse.

Of course, there's the lingering thoughts of what comes after life? What if here is better than there?

A faulty way to think. There's really four options, right?

1) there is better than here
2) there is worse than here
3) there is the same as here
4) there's nothing else, you simply cease to exist

Only one of those is a bad deal. The other three are fine by me. I mean, option 1 is the ideal, right? The dream everyone has that they are going to go to heaven or something like that?

How deluded are people? The average religious person couldn't name the basic tenets of faith, let alone honestly say they follow them.

Option 3 is really a draw, so that's fine.

Option 4 is.. well, a very hard thing really contemplate. Not being anything. Simply not existing in any way shape or form -- well, the 'mental me' the soul... the.. whatever it is in my head. The magic of biochemical reactions that makes me me. There's always some sort of physical remain left. Matter is neither created nor destroyed, just changed.

Option 2 is the problem one.. but, all things being equal, it's only 25% chance. Can't really weight them any different, that's just opinion trying to cloud the issue. No one knows what comes next. Many think they do, but that's really just comfort for living in the now.

I've often wondered, if so many people are so positive they are going to heaven or some place better, why are they scared to die?

I don't mean why don't more people kill themselves. I mean.. why, when faced with death by an accident, illness, or whatever.. people freak out with abject terror. Why not take solace in the fact that you're about to go to heaven?

I'm way off on an unexpected tangent.. with thoughts not really thought out.

My point.. my real point... is that I wish I had a reason other than I'm out of the box defective.

It's not lost on me that some folks with a reason would happily trade me. The grass is always greener...

I suppose, as I get older, I'm just.. more tired. I'm tired of acting. I'm tired of playing the role. I'm tired... of so many things.

I never found the 'thing' that makes me happy.