"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." -- unknown

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - Albert Einstein

I think.. I'm done.
September 26, 2009 - 7:08 pm

I debate trying to hunker down and get myself back to a good place at work. The redoubling of efforts... the reapplication of myself to making things right.

I debate... a mixture of simply killing myself and/or quitting work and then... after the short span that my money will last, killing myself.

You need to understand that work isn't the cause of this.. just the straw making the camel's back, so to speak, start to crack.

There's nothing in my life that I'm really happy with. Nothing. There's nothing in my life that I really look forward to doing. No joy. No person (platonic or otherwise) to share anything with.

Monday thru Friday my life consists of getting up at 5am so I'm at work by 6ish. I do this to try and catch up... I still have my insane client, it's a slow transition off. I still spend the vast, vast majority of my time on this client's issues.

I am wounded by the client liking the idea of switch by saying "I'm not sure what K really does for us..." I'm off fighting internal battles for all their batshit crazy ideas. As a company, we get zero credit from them for the things we do.. and that's largely our fault -- we don't show that well. I'll argue we shouldn't -- we are the vendor. We said we'd do it.. and the client shouldn't really know the trouble what we've agreed to do has caused -- we agreed to do it.

Still... I am wounded. I thought I had a good relationship with them.

I'm at work until about 6... and then I leave. Sometimes later. I come home.. I eat. I'll watch a couple hours TV or tool around online.. or play wii... and between 8 or 9 I'm in bed.

At some point I fall asleep. It's a battle to stop the swirl in my head as I lay in bed. I'm tired. Exhausted. But still my mind swirls. I have to focus on stories in my head.. made up tails of this and that.

I'll wake up many times during the night. The swirl back in my head. Around 5 I get out of bed and repeat.

There is no real socializing at work. Just business talk... and a bit of small talk chatter. I dread the random question "Do anything interesting...?"

No. I never do.

There is no socializing outside of work.

On the weekend, like today, I got up around 8. I was tired of Loca pestering me. I played ate.. played wii.. and around noon went outside to find lunch. I wandered around Blue Black Square for a while and did a little shopping. I was hope by 3:30.

And.. inside here I've been ever since. Some TV, some wii... some internet.

This.. is my life.

Tomorrow... well, one day this weekend I said I'd go to work. I guess that's tomorrow since I didn't today.

My mind.. it swirls. I've debated calling my boss tomorrow and quitting. Just saying I'm done. I think I would like this. I've never really liked the job. Always looked at it as a stepping stone to something else.

My depression is deeper now than any other time I can think of...

I rather like the idea of month of nothing. A month of sleeping whenever. A month.. of just doing nothing.

It would be the single worst time for me to leave at work. This is the mad crazy busy season. This is why I'm so behind. Even without crazy client, I'd be swamped. With crazy client.. I can't cope. I don't want to cope.

I don't know what I want to do.. what I like. I know I don't like this. I do not.

Perhaps this is just me looking for the easy way out... I could manage somehow. I could push through somehow. Get the ship righted, so to speak and look for a more orderly way out. I could.

I'm swapping clients.. losing the crazy one and getting a new one. One who doesn't like change. I really, really debate telling my boss -- for the good of relationship, don't give them to me -- I don't plan to be here long. In fact, I'm really thinking of outright quitting.

This.. is part of my nature. I don't want to screw my boss and the company. This isn't their fault. This is me failing. This is the result of me making a bad, bad choice 1 year ago when I agreed to do this gig. The real reason I took it was my then boss asked me to..

A semi-logical reason. My boss knew I wanted to do something different, so he engineered a swap of sorts. I took this roll and the the lady I replaced took my my role. She laughed when we first talked and said, "are you sure about this?"

I had no real idea...

I've sort of been working on crazy client with the guy who's going to take it over. I can totally see how much better he is at this than me. It's staggering. I've learned a ton from him in a few weeks... a ton.

Mostly.. that this isn't me.

I swirl. I flounder. I debate calling my parents to whine. I haven't spoken to them in over week. I haven't spoken to my brother in about year.

My mom knitted a sort of jacket thing and booties for Loca. I have no idea why. She wants pictures. I got these items last week... I've not taken the pictures yet. I just.. don't feel like. I know Loca will hate the booties. I think the jacket she won't really care about.

I'm at a loss why she made these things.. I suppose it is sort of funny. I'm just... without humor these days.

My neck is so very tight and knotted.

In fact, Loca is pissing me off these days. She wants to play.. making all sorts of crying noises by the front door. In the two years she's been here.. she's been out the front door like five times. It's not like it's something she used to do all the time... it's not.

Really though, I feel bad for her. Living her life with me. I wish I knew a reliable way to get her to a home she'd love. I'd do that for her in an instant. I'd cry terribly too.. but it would be better for her.

What to do with Loca if (when?) I quit... bothers me. I suppose it's back to the shelter for her if the two or three people I can ask say "no thanks".

I did send a txt to a girl I used to talk to.. who I thought was going to become a real friend.. but that fell apart. I don't know why. We just stopped talking... not and then I'll send her a silly txt and she'll reply. Rarer still I'll ask her to a movie ro something and she'll say no. So today I asked her what it was that I did that didn't like. I'd really like to know.

I didn't do anything inappropriate that I know of... well, other than ask what I did wrong. That's probably not a good thing ask, is it?

Too bad, I'd like to know.

But.. I suppose it doesn't really matter.

In the end, I'm just tired of being tired.

I like the idea of quitting. I think I have the cash to get through like 2 months.. and there's always credit cards to make things go longer. I think I could swing going to see the family for Thankgiving... and that'd be about the end of my cash. Then I'd be on credit...

Perhaps I'd have found a new job by then. Perhaps I'd not even try to look.

I don't know... this isn't how things should be. I'm an indentured servant to debit. Forced to do what I'd rather not do. My condo is a gilded cage.

I ramble. I'm done.