"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." -- unknown

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - Albert Einstein

thanks for all the support
July 10, 2005 - 7:44 pm

you may say i need professional help and i can't/won't argue with that. i simply rank the concept of frienship as even more valuable.

i'm not sure if all i have to say is clear before.. and undoubtedly i'll have mispoken about something and you'll feel the need to quibble with it. so be it. such is the lot of writing while inpassioned.

and finally, for the record, no.. i'm not feeling depressed. i'm feeling (or rather was feeling) angry. depression might come later when i think about how things went wrong.. how being honest fucked me once again. how someone i thought might indeed trun out to be a true friend, seems not to be turning out that way at all.

now for your normally scheduled rant:

want to know something that's pretty much a sure-fire bet to make someone with depressive tendencies feel.. well, depressed?

start to treat them differently. tell them, you best get help -- and until you do, we won't be talking. you say it's not an attempt to force.. but it's sure as hell isn't a supportive tact. urging for help is a good thing. cutting off contact is a bad thing.

sure, i sent my resume to read over yesterday.. and that apperantly floored you. how could i, someone who thinks of such bad things like downing lots of sleeping pills, ask someone to read over a resume?

staggering to think i might be trying to find a better job.. a way to improve my life. how fucking horrible of me.

then you express.. some.. suprise at my reasoning for sending it to you. you simply assumed i was doing some sort of pretending game. you didn't ask, "why do you want me to read it?"

instead.. assumptions.. assumptions.. and assumptions.

when did i ever say life is hard? heck, i've accomplished a lot. i've a had several nice jobs (granted, i don't like them.. but i make good money), i've a master's degree. in fact, nearly everything i've set out to do.. set out with any sort of vigor, i've done.

i never once said life is hard.

it bothers me.. you just label me with the motives of your uncle. never bothering to ask me about my motivations.

why do people assume all depression is the same? why do you assume it's all about someone thinking life is too hard? that people use it as an easy way out of some sort of trouble them are in?

for sure, people do do that.. but, in my opinion, those people have a "short-term" form of depression -- their depression is caused, in part, by whatever has gone wrong in their life. they lost a job, lots of money, a loved one, they got divorced.. whatever.

normally they arn't depressed. normally they are well...normal.

that's not me. that's not what's in my head. i'd put myself into the other group, which would be "long-term". that is.. nothing bad has ever really happened in my life. my first thoughts of depression and suicide came when i was fifteen. perhaps it was a hormone thing that ever went away. i don't know. that's not to say an event won't cause me to get depressed.. it's more like a kid with asthma. sometimes an attack can just happen.. and other times something causes it.

then.. who does a fifteen year old talk to about such things? some have families that are open and taking of things, mine wasn't. perhaps it's also due to other parts of my personality -- that i covered up and "hid" how i felt. an actor upon a stage.

once you start acting.. well, how do you know when to stop?

life goes on. the ups and downs, never super extreme become easy enough to manage. there's no real rhyme or reason to it.. there's not "event" that tips off a downswing.

my dad has head two heart attacks and a stroke. i recall no depression that goes with that.

though.. a long pondering about people tend to lose their health and how i don't like that idea at all.. yeah, well, that may well get me depressed. i don't think that's bizarre or all that abnormal though.

wait a second.

what the fuck am i doing? i don't need to justify myself. sure as hell not to someone who doesn't even think it's ok for us to call each other.

the cynical bastard part of me.. wants to say this is just your excuse to finally put an end to things. that you've always been unsure of us.. and what to do.. and uneasy about us talking or meeting. now you have the perfect out -- you just won't stand to be friends with someone who has an illness like i do.

yeah. an illness. that's what it is. for me, it seems a chronic case. one i manage how i manage it.

you want to rail about people killing themselves.. go off on smokers and alcoholics. there's no reason to assume i'll ever hurt myself, i never have. smokers and alcoholics ARE actively hurting themselves. every drink.. ever puff hurts the liver.. hurts the lungs. perhaps it won't ever kill them, but the odds seem to say it will reduce how good their life is later.. and their family will have to deal with that.

the difference is just in how "fast" it happens. a sucide is, generally, quick and unexpected. i guess that makes it worse than long and slow.

anyway, you left before my last line was sent.. which i find sort of ironic since you label me a coward -- or at least a potential coward -- and yet you can't even finish a conversation.

so i'll end this posting with that line..

Thanks for all the support.