"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." -- unknown

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - Albert Einstein

drawing dead
February 28, 2005 - 10:06 am

it's my way. i like to understand things. i like to "grasp" what's going on, even if i don't agree with it. perhaps understand is the wrong word, that implies.. perhaps too much in terms of comprehension.

i also love to explain things in terms of something else -- analogies or metaphors. doing that just makes things "click" in my head and, i think, enables me to better know if i do understand something.

so.. last night i came up with a metaphor for my "relationship" with her.

it's like.. when i play poker. some nights, everything is dead on and i'm loving it. some nights, talking to her is great. it doesn't matter what we babble about, i'm happy we are talking and thinking all sorts of good thought. other nights, i can't catch a decent card, every hand i play is simply doomed to failure. i have four kings, someone else have four aces or a straight flush. some nights, talking to her is just a trainwreck in slow motion. it doesn't matter why it's a trainwreck, it just is.. and there's really nothing to be done.

in the end though.. talking to her.. has become not what it should be. too much shit has happened. we talk about a clean slate and starting over, but the problem is.. this doesn't fix or address the underlying problem(s) that we have. at best it just delays them coming up again.

this last time, she spoke of not being able to trust me because i called her and she isn't comfortable with us talking on the phone. i have trouble wrapping my mind around that, but i understand she doesn't like the idea.

the word trust sticks out to me. she's put off because now she can't trust me. i violated the idea of not calling until she said she was ready to talk on the phone. so be it.

to be honest, i find this ironic. the number of times over the years where she and i have agreed to do x, y or z and then at the last minute she's back out.. is pretty high. granted, most of them are long ago, but still.. the fact remains more than a handful of times, we've agreed to do something and she's back out. in recent conversations, she's said things along the lines that she things i'm perfect, sexy.. and whatnot.. she admitted she regets not going with me for drinks the day oh so many years ago...

so i am to "trust" someone who repeatedly makes plans and cancels them? i am to trust someone who says i'm "perfect", but doesn't want to talk to me? there's a basic disconnect there. at least to me.

she has one thing about which she can lament not being able to trust me.. and yet her history is full of events that don't inspire trust.

of course, this speaks poorly of me.. having hung around all this time, but that's different post for a different day.. if at all.

generally though, i think the problem is such situations is me.. but in this case, no.. no i don't. did i call against her wishes? sure. is it absurd that her "ideal" person can't call her? yes. is it absurd that two people who want to be friends can't talk on the phone? yes, yes it is. with cell phones and free minutes... it is patently absurd.

does all this fuck with my head? yes, yes it does. i go from hearing how sexy and whatnot i am, to getting "slapped" for having called her.

does she have an idea what she wants inregards to "us", i don't know. it's been nearly five years.

five.

as i'm want to say in real life, "don't know, don't care." if she can't get her head on straight regarding us in five years, i can't deal with that.

would i like to see an answer to the last post/email? of course. i like to understand. i like to grasp what's going on. do i expect an answer? no, which is why i'm post all this now.

you see, talking to her.. is a situation like in poker when you're drawing dead -- there's not a damn thing to do but fold and wait for the next hand.

the only way she and i have a next hand is if the barriers to communication are lifted.