"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." -- unknown

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - Albert Einstein

the cost of a 20 minute phone call
February 27, 2005 - 5:52 pm

the week before the weekend i'd called we'd talked. you had lusty ideas about us meeting up and, to be blunt, having cybersex. other recent online chats you'd proclaimed i was dead sexy among other things. the below email is about the evaluations we did of each other.. and again, the lusty-sexual part comes out. you'd said you regret not going with me for the drink for the three hour drive home and for years since then.. and other similair things. so really, in the weeks leading up to "the call", things were quite good between us, no?

so.. on your free weekend, i was busy the first night. but i was looking forward to talking with you.. i get home saturday and you're not online. so.. i called. granted, you hadn't said such a thing would be "ok", but your reasoning against the calling was that you didin't want us to get into argument on the phone (on a side note, we didn't argue -- not even a little. in fact, it was rather nice call... granted you were kinda distracted searching for the picutre, but still, i found it quite nice to just talk to you.)

so.. all sorts of sexual banter is good. all sorts of lust is good. a normal friendly phone call is not?

granted i've had a ton of ups and downs, and i can understand you not wanting to argue on the phone.. but, from my point of view, the reason (the ONE and ONLY reason) we argue.. is this limit you have on communication. i'd really like something approaching a rational reason why phone call as are forbidden (you can't use the arguing thing, since what we argue about is that i want to communicate more.. so talking on the phone wouldn't cause an argument)

why was/is it so wrong of me to have called? can you help me understand that?

you spoke of trust before leaving.. and i can start to understand that. but.. where's the "trust" when you tell me how "sexy" you think i am.. and then freak out at a phone call. don't you start to see just how manipulating that is? on one hand, you're saying i'm pretty darn near perfect.. all the sorts of things anyone wants to hear from someone else.. and then you say, but i can't talk to you. explain this to me. if i'm so near perfect.. and you regert not going for the drink.. why not want to hear my voice? doesn't communicaiton create trust? wouldn't us talking, both online and the phone, build trust? it's like your saying communication is bad... but you want to have what amounts to cybersex with me? am i simply being used for as a masturbation aid?

why the fear of phones? are you scared there's actaully a connection between us and you want to keep that at arms length? do you just like the idea of an online masturbation buddy? do you have no idea and just get scared at the idea of talking to me?

theconfusedboyinvirginia

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