"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." -- unknown

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - Albert Einstein

i want too much
August 01, 2004 - 9:59 pm

i'm tired of playing the game of being just being slightly off normal, but still in the normal range of peopledom.

yeah, i think the basic idea of that last story has really settled into my mind.

or, more to the point, i wrote it because it's settled into my mind. a sort of conscience regcognition of what's what.

i've lived my whole life with an eye firmly set on what i should do.. on what i'm expected to do.. on always being worried about how things will turn out.. on how other's might precieve what i've said or done.

i've lived my whole saying i don't care what others think.. that i don't care about how things will turn out... and all the rest.

only once of those two things can be true. i simply cannot be two people at the same time.

i can't not care and care at the same time.

it's been too fucking long though. the true is buried..

i don't know where or how to dig - but those could be overcome. the real problem is.. i don't have a reason to dig.

doing it for myself just doesn't seem to matter.

though it's said if you won't do something for yourself, then you don't really want to do it..

so.. yet again.. i seem to be on both sides of this issue. if i don't want to know, why does it occupy my mind all the time? if i want to know, why won't i do anything about it?

perhaps i want to know.. but feel i don't deserve to know.

eh. i'm too close to the issue, so to speak. i'm in no postion to sort out what's going on in the deeper reaches of my mind.

yeah. see. this is where a true friend comes into play.

i'm trying to think the last time i actaully felt comfortable enough to sit and talk to someone abot what's in my head. i can't think of a time when i did.. when i could.

for as long as i can recall, i've played the game of wearing a mask to be an average guy. it's gotten to be that the mask is just like my actual skin - only i know it's not.

i've made token efforts to reach out to people - though they probably didn't quite get where i was headed.. none of them.. reacted like i wanted, so i dropped it.

yeah so.. like i said before.

i'm tired of being tired.

i move into my new place later this month.. i wish i could block up the window and door there.

that's not true.. well, it may be true, but that's not what i wish.

i wanna talk to someone who actaully wants to talk to me.

yeah, i know. i want too much.