"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." -- unknown

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - Albert Einstein

today, tonight and tomorrow
October 29, 2003 - 10:06 pm

tomorrow.. at 4:20pm i'm going to take my second test in management. i'm not really prepared for it - too much to read and too little time to read it. this makes me anxious.

tonight.. i'm trying to sort out how i really feel about the apperant reality of us not talking again. i'm not sure how this makes me feel.

today.. i talked with the mba program manager, i want to call him the dean, but he's not. basically he wants take over the mbaa. the mbaa is a student association that's supposed to do things like bring in speakers, help with networking & resumes.. a good thing that most mba students who don't already have jobs lined up should be really happy to be involved in. the officers of this organization don't do shit. not one does his/her job. he wants us take it over.. set up the speakers and all that stuff. translation there is me doing lots of things. this makes me annoyed - well at first. then we spoke again and he mentioned several kinda nifty things about upcoming stuff that's 'inside knowledge' and i made the connection that helping him do this ('this' being make the mbaa what it should be, a goal i basically agree with) would result in him being very, very helpful to me in the future. tit for tat. he knows tons of people.. i'm going to need a job. i'm coming around to the idea of taking over the mbaa.

tonight.. i'm also thinking about my future. this makes me very conflicted. i tend to get unrealistic thoughts going about how things are. people tend to say i'm very pragmatic, but in my head, about myself, i'm not. i think.. i suffer from lack of social interaction. i talked about this a bit today with someone online. i think one of the root problems is that when i was little, like kindergarden age, several 'best friends' moved away all in a row. i can remember being in sixth grade and deciding no more best friends, it just wasn't worth the effort. this feeds my feelings of being 'bad' and not worth getting to know. i can over compenstate for this, which as semi-recent history can attest, results in driving away people i'd rather not drive away. this reinforces the idea that i'm not worth getting to know.

tonight.. i'm writing stuff in here. i should be studying. i should be talking to someone. i should be doing lots of things that i'm not doing. this makes me feel.. well, to be honest, it doesn't make me feel anything - it's what i do.

tonight.. i just counted. i have six names on my aol im list. i have one in yahoo messnager. two in aol are the same person. i can't recall the last time i saw three of the aol names log in. that leaves three people i see with any regularity online - not that i talk to all the people i see online. i have more online friends than real life friends. this makes me feel.. well, just refer back up a bit - it's reinforcing.

tomorrow.. i want to take a drive, not take my test. i don't want to talk to the conversation partner girl. i've no idea why i signed up for that - i don't think i thought it would really happen. afterall, what sort of partner could i possibly be? tomorrow.. i don't want to be here. i don't want to be in virginia. i'm not sure where i want to be or what i want to be doing. as long as it makes sense, i'd be happier - much happier. nothing here makes sense. i'm tired of floating from place to place, fucking things up. i'm tired of the endless list of absurdity life presents. yeah, that's the stuff - that's how i feel, tired.