"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." -- unknown

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - Albert Einstein

a cool word to say
September 11, 2002 - 9:02 pm

i talked to my parents the yesterday. last time i was home, my mom mentioned that she wanted to sell the house soon. i was thinking of going back home (not to my parents house, but that city) for my mba and i mentioned that i was back on the mba kick again. it's like the third or fourth time.

my mom said to stop talking about it and do it, she's tired of hearing it. i found that funny.

i sent her an email when i got home. she wants to sell the house because it's getting harder for her and my dad to keep up with things, she wants something smaller. i offered that if i get into the college i want, i could move back home, help with the upkeep and they could live there a few years longer.

yesterday they called me on speaker phone. they didn't quite take my offer how i meant it. i meant it how i said it. they built that house and have lived in it forever. i was just trying to offer them a coupla more years. i wasn't trying to mooch off them.

my mom kept stressing the finance side. she said she didn't think they could help pay for my mba. i said i wasn't asking for money. i'm fucked money wise cause of my car. i hate my leased car. i'm screwed with it.

i told them my plan, if i do grad school, is to do it full time. not the part time or on weekends junk. i don't like that idea.

at one point my dad goes "i think you should stay put. you can't keep jumping jobs forever. you _need_ to figure out what you want to do."

i replied, "really?" that's it. just really, my voice full of sarcasm. i wanted to say "hey, thanks for the tip. let me write that down:

'tomorrow, first things, decide career path -- appromately five minutes' or do you think i'd need ten?"

there was silence on the phone for about ten seconds and my dad asked if i was talking. i said no, i wasn't.

what the fuck kind of advice is that? just because he did a job he didn't like for years upon years doesn't mean i want to. granted i probably will, but i'm not broken to that idea yet. let me just put some ideas in a hat and pick one and do that regardless of what it is.

i've never been so pissed at him. my mom knew it. he didn't talk much after that. i think she told him to shut the hell up. she started talking about you need to know how much money it will take you to live. i said i know, i can add up my car payment, estimate my utilites, i know my insuracnce..

she goes, "i don't think you'll be able to get by on some minimum wage job."

again, no fucking shit.

i want some goddamn support. i don't need the obvious nonsense stated to me.

i did stick a job i didn't like for 2.5 years, that was long enough thank you. i can only take so much bullshit. i'd still be there if they had transfered me. i'd almost resigned myself to concept of working there for life, but i wasn't able to pay down my bills. stamford just cost me too much to live. the rent was too high...insurance...all that crap. the economny changed, the job changed..more aspects of what i didn't like became too important. i'm only willing to bend so far...so i bolted here. well those are the financial reasons.

she asked what i'd do with my mba, i siad i didn't know. that's the whole point. i can't know. i'm just not a person who knows what htey want to do. i'm one of the lucky ones that no real job just gleams to me. i want to be happy, but i can't define what i need to do to get there.

see, when i'm focused on getting happy in my personal life, i don't care where i work. when i give up on my personal life, i focus on my career and i want to change it and be happy in my career. i don't care which.

i want some source of satisfaction in my life. that's what i want.

she goes "you might not get too good of a job with an mba you know."

again, wheres my motherfucking support?

by this point in the conversation i was saying just "yes, I know".

blah blah blah. i had the communications idea today.

it occurs to me now that this is me tilting at windmills again.

i think like the choas, i like the misery i inflict upon myself and others. i'm hooked.

perhaps i am only happy when it rains.

i make those choices..time and again.

perhaps i need to embrace the choas.

atleast it's a cool word to say.