"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." -- unknown

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - Albert Einstein

i'm not like roark
August 24, 2002 - 11:54 am

the result doesn't matter. it's that he made the choice he felt was best.

that's all he can do. be faced with a situation and choose and then then choose again and again endlessly.

everything we do is a choice. all choices should be equal. i choose when to eat, to sleep, to deficate. i choose what to eat, how to eat it. i choose to go to work. we like to say we don't have a choice in things, but we do. every instant of every day we are making choices. i make a choice what key to hit to make each word. i could just as easily type total jibberish or choose nottousethespacekey.

i'm digress. i could never be like roark. i hate to admit it, but words and thoughts and opinions of others suffocate me. i am wounded by the simplest of things, the slightlest most pointless of comments.

that is why i spend so much time alone. i don't have to worry about misunderstanding something. i don't have to deal with wondering what someone meant. my front, my mask may often be that i'm arrogant and/or indifferent to things.

we all wear masks, we all use tools to protect ourselves. it's human nature. we choose it.

that's really what it comes down to. i want to be like roark and not give a damn what anyone things. i want to make my choices for myself. i want to know what i want to do. i want to be detatched from all the bullshit that i live with now.

my dream is hopeless.

my mind seeks to understand things. i analyze everything. that's why i say i'm so wrapped up in others thoughts and opinions of me. i wonder why they choose the words they choose. the words on your page wound me. you have no idea they do, but they do. i read there seldom, off and on...randomly. the slightlest reference to something totally unrelated can make me think of things not even in your mind.

i could explain better, but i choose not to.

i am faced with a delima. that which i want is not within my ablity to grasp. i don't know how to rewire my thinking.

now i have a rush song stuck in my head.

"even if you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice"

i don't much like rush.

i am confused. i want straight talk. i want simple answers. i want to know. we've never had that. perhaps we never will.