"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." -- unknown

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - Albert Einstein

eventful ending?
March 9, 2002 - 9:49 pm

it was like 8:30 and a flash from the past logged onto aol im. i was kinda dumbstruck, but there they were. i wasn't sure if i should message...since i knew it would probably lead to something depressing. i messaged.

we talked a bit. it was none other than joy, who i started writing this little bit of mental masturbation for like 2 years ago. we havn't spoken in like 8 months or something..perhaps it's over a year. i forget.

so we went through all the normal bull. i couldn't believe to hear she was counselor to teens. it kinda fits and really means she figured herself out. all of which leads me to the depressing part. i've never quite figured me out. so we talked. she said she had to go for a second but would be back. so i waited like five minutes and realized here was a good out for me. i typed in it was great to talk to her again and asked her to keep in touch. i left my email and switched on the good old away sign. it was like 8:50 and so i decided to i really should go and went out to the bar.

i like to get there before 9 since they start to charge a cover at 9. i hate covers.

the bar was...well worse than i thought it would be. it was perhaps 1/4 full, which isn't bad. i found a stool and sat for a bit. i drank one rum n coke. i felt...i felt hugely out of place. i felt. hrm. i felt...like a freak at a circus kinda deal. it's hard to explain, perhaps you understand what i mean. i finished my drink and left. i walked home. i was probably there for like 20 minutes. tops.

my eventful day is definitly ending on a downer.

i got an email back about the job dealie. it'd be a huge cut in pay..but with the lower costs of living...i think i'd still be on the plus side. of course i have massive credit card debit. with the lower rent....if i did the math right. goddamn it, i gotta check this math. i think i screwed something up.

i'm still undecided on tomorrow. i'll probably do it and feel all shitty...but what else is new?