"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." -- unknown

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - Albert Einstein

Half the story - a creative outburst
March 4, 2002 - 10:08 pm

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You know, I�ve almost convinced myself it was a dream, if not a dream then most certainly a flashback to a movie whose name I can�t recall. It�s no good trying believing it was real. It doesn�t do any good at all. It doesn�t do me any good no matter which way I think of it, but a dream seems best. A surreal, fever induced nightmare. Yes, I like that. I like that a lot, not that there�s anything to really like.

I�m sorry, I�m rambling. I do that sometimes. See, my brain drops into gear on some topic and ramble on. I try to spit out the words as fast as I think them. It�s like my mental censor gets clicked off and whatever forms comes out. Stream of conscience I think they call it. Planning never was my strong suit.

You didn�t come here to hear me ramble though, at least not on why I ramble. You�re like all the others, though the others have long since stopped coming. You�re young, too young to have been alive when it happened. Most people knew someone who was there or were transfixed by the story as it happened. It�s really amazing how an event, a story, like this can make people who don�t know each other feel connected. It must be something to do with dreams. It must be down in our conscience or something.

I�m no head doctor. I�m just a bastard who didn�t have the sense to die. So why are you interested? Was your father there? You�re mother? Brother or something? No? I can see it in you�re eyes, there�s a reason. It�s yours and that�s fine. I don�t need to know. I�m just curious.

You know, not too many people come to see me these days. In fact, no ones been out this way for years. I�ve kinda taken to living alone. It�s easier. I don�t have to worry about things so much. It�s nice to see another face though, even if you don�t talk much. But then you didn�t come here to talk.

So whatdoya wanna know? Don�t even think of askin� me for the whole story. If you want that, go read transcript. I�ve told that tale too many times.

The end huh? The final moments is that what ya mean? I shoulda figured. Everyone�s always more interested in the end. Between you and me, the end is just...it�s just the nightmare part. It�s horrid enough all right, but the whole build up. The days before, those...when you add those into the mix and then end kicks in. Well, then you get a story that gives people who weren�t there have nightmares. You get a story like that and young folk like you get nightmares at just the name.

The end. Two simple words. Are you sure you want to hear this? Are you really going to ask me to bring all this up? Do you know what it means for me? The memories? I hardly sleep as is. I have this thing with dreams. Since I�ve almost convinced myself it was one, I don�t want to go to sleep since I might dream it again. Telling the story though. It�s different. The words bring up pictures in my head. The pictures, that�s all they are at first, start to snap in my head like slides. They start slow and build. Faster the come and then before I know it, it�s a goddamn movie in my head. I don�t think the words anymore, but just tell the story I see in my mind. People say I go off in like a trance. I don�t remember the things I say. I don�t want to.

Look at me. My hands, they tremble. I haven�t even done anything but waste your time and babble. It�s good to talk, but I dunno if it�s so good for me to bring all this up again. You sure the transcripts won�t do?

Listen, I know. I know you get from hearin� it from me. I was there. I know text don�t carry the same info as words I say. You could get the recordings. They got hours of tape on me you know?

Yeah, I know you know. I just...why from me? Why�s it gotta be live from my mouth? Those days are better left to the history books. Those days...those days, that place it�s better no remembered by anyone. I can�t imagine why you wanna know. You gotta tell me why.

You don�t want to tell me. That makes me curious. I�m a curious man. I�m not going to do this unless I know why. You dunno, you don�t understand what bringing up all this shit does to me. It�s been years...I�ve almost had peace and here you come. I won�t know peace till I die, so spill it.

No shit. Alek Schiff was you�re father?

Goddamn. Talk about a name to drop. Talk about a demon from the past. Now I don�t mean no disrespect. See, demons aren�t good or bad. They just aren�t welcome. I don�t go for that whole God thing. No, not after what I�ve seen. There�s no kind God....

Sorry, sometimes I drift off like that. In my head I get on this tangent. Flashes of pictures. Jesus, the things I�ve seen. I almost wanna rip my eyes out, but I don�t. That�s why I moved out here, in the woods. Now when I get a flash, I stare at the trees or a stream and I realize it�s just a flash. Alek huh?

That�s a hell of man to be the child of. Wild man, to say the least. There�s some funny stories I could tell you about him. Now, don�t get that look. I know that look. I guess he is your father. He�d get that look right before he�d kick someone�s ass.

I�m just a tad surprised. I never expected to hear that name. Never in a million years. Him and those days. That�s not a good story. I was in the hospital for a long time afterwards. I wanted to know what happened to everyone. Some I knew, but I asked anyway to see if they were lying to me or not. They said I wasn�t ready, that I was still too week. There was two or three I just demanded to know about. You get like that. Like a family, you just gotta know or it drives you insane. Your father was one of them.

I know, I know. I�m stalling. It�s just...I�m old. Every time I tell this story I think I might not make it back from the mental movie. It�s like I right there again and this time...this time I might not make the right guess. I�m older. I can�t react so fast. I don�t wanna go back. I know I won�t make it out.

Now, don�t give me that shit that it�s just memories. Ain�t nothin� more real than memories. Reality ain�t nothin� more than what our minds make it.

All right. You know the basics right? You gotta know that. Jesus. Alek Schiff. I�m not ready for this. I gotta like get organized. In my head and all. I�m not ready for this. You gotta give me time. I got chills. I dunno if I can deal with this. Why�d you have to come here? I was so close. If it was a dream, see, I could forget it. Dreams fade, it�s what they do. Alek Schiff, he weren�t no dream.

I know you didn�t mean...I get that you just gotta know. Like the hospital thing right? I know. I can see it in your face, your eyes. But, but look at me. I�ll tell you, but I need the time. It�s just. It�s just. I know you need to know. I just have to be ready to tell this. I swear to god, this is going to be the last time. You better bring back a notepad or something, cause there ain�t gonna be no Q and A. There ain�t gonna be no follow up. There ain�t gonna be no be more of you coming out here. This thing needs to die. I need it to go away. I�ll tell you what you wanna, know. I know the parts you mean. I�ll be livin� them the rest of my days.

My hands, see. They won�t stop shaking. I�m sweatin� too. Cold sweat. You come back tomorrow. I ain�t gonna do this today. I know it�s a long way back to town, but that�s kinda point of my bein� here. If you wanna know and I know you need to know then tomorrow. I can�t say it�s been a pleasure, but that don�t matter much. There ain�t been a lick of pleasure in my life, no not in ages. Not in ages.

Sorry, I drifted a bit. So tomorrow it is. Not too early now. Let�s call it noon. Yeah noon, since I�m gonna need a drink for this and I swore I wouldn�t drink before noon.