"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." -- unknown

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - Albert Einstein

clarifing, well perhaps..
2001-08-03 - 6:47 a.m.

i am sad. not because i flipped, but because i was right. i hate it when i'm right. long, long ago..march or april i think it was, i knew that things would end badly. i was determined to prove myself wrong. i was willing to do anything and everything i could to show myself that the 'little voice' inside me was just a doubting whiner. we would argue over 'our' relationship and i was just positive that there was something else going on that i didn't know about. she was living with someone, or dating someone...something. she said there was nothing like that and i believed her, but there had to be something. after the hours upon hours of us talking and the things we said...it just didn't make sense in my brain that she should balk at us meeting. there _had_ to be another factor. so determined to prove myself wrong and find out what was really going on...i pushed and strode forward. i was bold and told her what i thought as i thought it. i loved our chats. she is very pretty. i didn't AOL IM before we started talking and now i turn it on everyday to see if she is on.

anyway, enough of this. the background doesn't matter much i guess. it is the here and now that counts. in my mind i guess i found the answer, she wants pefection. she wants someone who matches her exactly. i can think of nothing worse or more boring. to me, a couple needs some conflict...there needs to be tension now and then. you must have to look at your other and say, 'i'm pissed at you, but at the same time...i want you to stay and so we _need_ to work this out.' well, something like that. arguments and tension are good, they show you have life in you, that you care. to be matched with someone who has your exact likes and dislikes..well first off, that's impossible (at least to me) and secondly it would be maddening (at least to me).

and so as we enter the seventh month (i think i said five last night, but this will be seven) i realize she wants something i can't give and wouldn't give if i could. i'm more than willing to mold myself toward who i am with, but never to match.

all those months ago, i was right and that just annoys the hell out of me. i guess i should listen to that 'voice' more often, put more stock into it's surreal words. i just wish i had learned all this long ago and saved us both a lot of time and energy, but i can't learn what i'm not told....and so it goes.