"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." -- unknown

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - Albert Einstein

never again is what i swore..
2001-08-02 - 8:45 p.m.

truly it happned less than five minutes ago and i'm all calm again. so let me tell you this story, but first background.

i went to our regional headquarters for training and had three wonderful brain mushing classes in a room whose ac unit hardly (if at all) worked. im tired and perhaps cranky from the drive back, but that's another story. sitting in this class i realized two things about myself.

one, i really am smart. not some sort of arrogant smart, but i got the stuff we were doing as fast as if not faster than everyone else. i'm no genius, but im not some stupid moron. i am, basically, intelligent.

two, i lack self-confidence. once i realized i know the material, i said why dont i answer things in class and hate group presentations? the answer is of course, i dont have any confidence speaking to groups, be them friendly or otherwise. i dont speak up in any situation cause im scared and nervous, in a lot of ways..i lack a 'backbone' as it were.

how many times have i said on here, 'why do i keep doing things i know i shouldnt do?' 'why do i say i will not do something and then moments later, im doing it?' the answer...i lack the self-confidence and willpower to really follow through on those decsions. i let myself be walked on and/or over. in my head i know what to say, how to get what i want..but in reality i lack the drive..the nerve.

anyway. that was up in training. here at home, i was talking to this girl who i've talked about many times on here. we had a bit of fight back before i left for training. in short, i really really liked her. i wanted us to meet and start dating, ect...all that happy shit. she's post about me on her page and says she likes me to, but there's this hitch. see, she has issues with a relationship moving from online to reality. though she always said she wanted to...we would clash over it. it's been five months..we talked on the phone once and met in person once. i thought after the first meeting things would go better, but they didnt. so we kept clashing.

anyway, to speed this up...i thought about 'our' situation while i was away. the three days of not chatting with her seemed to be put to good use. as i do, i analyzed the situation and when i came back...fired off an email to her. we talked a bit after that...at first all about 'our situation' and that we are stuck. she has the issue of online/reality and as i've told her many times...i'm at the point were if it's not going to progress like we always said it would (even on just a simple friendship level) to spending real time in person with each other, then i just cant deal. a bit of an impass. i'm in no real mood for such a conversation, where at any time i could say something or she could that would end everything. so the conversation drifted to other..simpler things. things friends talk about. i missed small town x, so she told me a bit about that. she's a big movie fan, so i asked her about planet of the apes, if she's seen it....she hasnt. it seems she's not a mark walburg fan and will opt to pass on the flick. this suprised me since she's a huge movie buff. i asked if mark was in that movie ransom, she didnt think he was...that it was his brother and i replied, 'oh, im not a big knowing what movies actors are in' or something to that affect and she goes, 'see that's just another difference between us'. my mind flashed back to about four, mebbe three, months ago and a fight we had about us being compatible...

she maintained then that cause i like rum and coke and she likes fruitier drinks, that we wouldn't be a good couple. this logic, to me is absurd. perhaps if i liked to drink and she didnt, that would be an issue. but who the fuck really cares if your out with your significant other and you drink different drinks. that's called having an opinion..your own taste buds and preferences. anyway...i flashed to that and became angry again. to me its just a simple stupid childish whimpout. it just screams to me that shes gotten herself into a situation she cant get out of...i guess she's worried since ive told her i think so highly of her that she will just 'destroy' me if she tells me 'sorry, we just wont work'. i can deal with that, but you gotta give me a better reason...take the fact we live 2 hours apart, saying you just couldnt do a relationship with so much travel time..that makes sense.

i'm babbling. she says 'that's another difference', my mind jumps back to the alcohol thing..and i flip. i just go off in a message to her, more or less like i just did up above..but i even got into using capitals. it was like for an instant i 'understood' exactly where we stood. see, to me...why even make such a comment? why say...after we have a serious talk about us, that for once went rather smoothly and the progressed into a simple and good 'friendly' chat...why sudden say over a comment that i just dont follow the actors as close as she does, that here is another differnce??? how is that not to be taken as ANOTHER reason (to match the alcohol) that we wouldn't be a good couple? should i mention that i like to pee standing up and i bet she likes to sit? goddamn, that about a huge difference! i mean, we'd have to move that seat thing up and down all the damn time....plus drink differnt alcoholic drinks (which i bet we'd consume tons of since we have that whole toiletseat debacle to deal with) and if she'd ask me what movie was so-and-so in...and i wouldn't know. my god...we'd...we'd...we'd...no fucking way! we'd be normal people!!! god forbid people dont _match_ exactly in every fucking way.

*ahem* sorry.

i ranted.

allow me to rephrase.

to quote a song,

'never again is what i swore the time before'

a simple and good song. i chant this song in my head at night. oh the things i do that i say i never shall do again..only to find myself doing them minutes, seconds, hours, days later and thinking, while doing that thing, that i swore never again. the list is quite long. see, im smart..i know what to do or not to do, but i like the self-confidence to do it (nice tie in to the begining of this huh?).

wait, i'm supposed to be rephrasing my rant. i'm having trouble focusing. i'm tired.

my position is this: if it is needed for it to be noted that therein lies a fundamental difference between two poeple,; namely that one lacks what could be called an even fundamental knowledge of what actor or actoress was in what film and that the other person must not only commnet on the differnce, but actaully take the pains to point out a such a differnce, then he/she is doing nothing else than attempting to build, perhaps only in the mind of he/she, a suitable body of circumstanial evidence to support a postion that he/she otherwise can not support. the postion to which i refer is, of course, a personal and perhaps intimate relationship. furthermore, if he/she (dont ask why i started with the he/she stuff, i think it's stupid to, but i'm not about to rewrite this) feels the need to point and make note of such minor and trival things, then it should be the duty of he/she who is being pointed to, to stand up and declare, with as little unclarity as possible:

get your head out of your ass and speak clearly.

or, perhaps:

are you fucking serious? such things really affect your relationships or your throughts of a relationship? why the fuck do you feel the need to point that out? are you trying to push my buttons and piss me off, if so...job well done!

granted the second contains more than one idea. either is perfectly acceptable. however, it is also noted that if you choose the second, the remaining conversation will likely be shorter and less pleasent than choosing option one. of course, option one probably wont be to light hearted either, but more likely to be so than option two.

in my own case, i chose option two and added a 'kicker' as it were. i doubt she and i will be speaking much more. i do not find myself sad at this. typing all this out and reading it..makes me think...damn you got all pissed, ie i flipped, over her commnet of 'another difference'. yes, yes i did and that really says it all. for five months i've put up with alot. ive worked as hard as i could to try and understand her postion, her thinking and why its so hard for her to accept the idea of online moving to real life...and it was just a week ago (if that) that she tells me she has problems with relationships in general cause all the ones around her are shitty. she watches friends in abusive ones, she sees people get married and then shortly later divorces..ect. all that i can understand. that makes sense. if all you see is shitty 'models' then it's normal to be fearful about getting into something you havnt seen work. see, that is a good reason. that i can sink my teeth into and understand, as it were.

i think the fact that she waited five months to share this with me after ive fought with her over this issue more or less non-stop for the last three, during which time she has maintained that we have made good progress (progess i didnt see or understand we were making), though she couldnt explain more than that...AND after i had asked many times is there something else going on that i should know about and being told no, there isnt...i think all of this factored into my flare up as well.

the oddest thing...in this situation...i over communicated with her. i was very clear on what i was thinking of her and us. very odd for me, very unlike me..an experiment if you will. it felt great to be so open and clear. i just wish it had worked a little better, that i had had the same level of feedback. i wonder if i will get the courage up to be so open again...like i said, i really liked her.