"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." -- unknown

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - Albert Einstein

boundries..
2001-07-29 - 6:28 p.m.

does anyone like what i write? is it like looking through a window and getting to know that while your upset or unhappy, that there's someone like me whose worse off than you? do you like what you read? does it make you feel better about yourself? does what i say make you feel bad for me? does it make you want to reach out and touch me, to comfort me? to whisper that it will be ok? to whisper that everything will pass and the light will shine?

i went shopping today. i hate supermarkets. they bring out the worst in people. poeple are assholes, i've spoken on this...at length before, but it's true.

i think i'm offically going crazy. see, i mutter to myself. little things i say. i've done this for years, things that i _think_ i mean really think, i find msyelf self uttering in the softest of voices. not really talking to myself, but just that i thought so hard, my mouth mistakenly thought i meant to speak it. it started when after college, i think. when i took my first real job. it's been..three or four years. i say the same thing most time. i'll be sitting at home, or laying in bed and all the sudden i'll say 'i quit.' just like that. i have no idea what i'm quitting. it's not that simple. lately though, i've been saying it more and more and in more places. i say it at work..and whipser it and then i start to mutter nonsense musicial things to cover up what i said, so if someone heard it they will think they misheard and i'm just off in my own little world and 'singing' some song. i did it at ther market today. i don't think anyone heard me, but it was louder than usual. i think i'm going insane. i think the hatter and hare will be visting me.

i don't like tea much, so i doubt i'll enjoy the parties, but perhaps i can get them to switch to another beverage. i grew worried and wondered if i should see a shrink. i've wondered that for years. i told heather i thought i had a chemical inbalance in my brain when we were dating and she laughed at me. she said i was fine. i doubted her word. she doesn't talk to me anyone. no one i used to know talks to me. i wish they would.

there was this girl amy, who was really religious and caring. i wish she answered her email. i guess she lost internet access or wanted to lose touch with me. i miss her. she always has such postive and uplifting things to say, even if i didn't believe in her god. she didn't care. she knew her god cared for me. that was oddly comfortling. mebbe i'll try and find her phone number tonight and call her.

sometimes i get worried about me. i think odd things, things i shouldn't think. i lay in bed and wonder things i shouldn't wonder when trying to go to sleep. i woke up the other day and thought, 'my dad is dead'. he's not, well not that i know of. see, he has a baddish heart. once when i was in college my mom caught him having chest pains. he's sort to not really say anything and just muddle on. but she's a nurse and knew something was wrong. so, i think it was a thursday and he was cutting the grass, she caught him with chest pains and off to the docs they went. it turns out he had a partial blockage of one the arties around the heart and in went a stint (i think thats the word). he was out and back at home on sunday. i called that sunday, just a checkin in from college. i was told that sunday he had undergone an operation for a partial blockage around his heart. that's what...thursday to sunday...four days and no one called me. i guess i won't know when he has another heart attack until after he's dead. i think about that alot. my family isn't close...at least not with me. i don't know when my brother found out.

we don't talk much, my family and i. sometimes that bothers me. sometimes it doesn't. mostly though, i know it's me who doesn't talk with them. i never learned to share my thoughts with my parents. they know next to nothing about me. that's my fault. i remember when i moved it mansfield pa..about three months after i graduated college. i drove out my gf domininque to help move. my dad loaded up a caro va with lots of my stuff i had in the basement and he drove out. the three of us lugged my shit up into my second floor walk up. it was very hot. i wonderd if my dad would die carrying my stuff. that would have been odd. after we were all moved in, my dad drove dominique back home. in that five hour drive home, he asked her all about me. about college the frat i joined and everything. it struck her as very odd to get those questions. see, that's the only way they learn anything about me. i don't talk much i guess.

i'm a black sheep in my family. eveyrone has one. i'm an uncle. i got picture of me with my niece. i think shes like...seven months now? something like that.

anyway, i think i have a chemical imbalance. i'm less than stable, i think. i was told once by a pysh student, that i was the sanest person they ever met and by another that i just had an 'impluse' control disorder. i agree with the latter.

i don't want to go see a shrink. see, i am how i am. i am how was born or was made or whatever. to take a drug to 'happize' me would be to make me not me, does that make sense? life is not a happy thing.

this is going far, far past the boundry of 'comfort' i have with spilling my guts here.

see..all this after i promise myself no more personal whiny entry shit...