"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." -- unknown

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - Albert Einstein

...memories and I'm disturbed...
2001-01-19 - 01:16:05

Another week has passed.

I'm tired. I'm worn. I feel sad. Things just seem to wear on me. It's been a month, atleast, and no word from H. I wonder if I should call, if I should apologize for not calling sooner or if I should start a fight. In the end it doesn't matter. Whether I apologize or start a fight the result will be the same, she won't call. Best to just let it die, another chapter in my life comes to close. So many chapters end the same.

As I said before the undernet is under attack and that means I'm going to loose touch with alot of people. I don't see the point in trying to meet people. I really don't. My first 'best friend' was Shawn, we met in preschool. I can rember going to his house for a birthday party and some odd game we play on the playground. During the summer between kindergarden and first grade his family moved, not far, but it put him into a different elementary school and we lost touch. My next 'best friend' was Tim. He moved onto my street when I was in second grade. He was a year or two older than me, but outside of school we spent about ever moment together. When I went into the fourth grade, or was if fifth I forget, he moved to California. My parents insisted I swim or do some sport pretty much year round. Next was Nathan. He and I were friends probably since first grade. He lived a good distance from me and maybe once a month one of our parents would lug us to the others house. We spent every recess together, sat next to each other, everything that kids do. Then in sixth grade he moved to a different school district. We stayed good friends for another year or two, then his parents moved again. This time to a different state and I began to really wonder. Every good friend, every 'best' friend, I've ever had has moved or faded away.

In high school I had two groups of friends. One was people I talked in school, at lunch. Do you recall those lunch time frienships? Everyone sat in groups, little clusters of people trying to learn and understand what was going on. Not so much at school, but in life. Now and then that same group would meet in Mike's basement. The converstaions were the same, the joking, everything. We were a group of basically social rejects. I'd go into the detials, but I just don't feel like it. Those are happy memories and exploring each personality would just make me more derpessed than I already am. The other group of friends I had was H and her friends. That didn't start till 12th grade. I had little social life at that point. My life consisted of swimming, which was practice Monday, Wedensday, Friday and Saturday; high school swim meets Tuesday and Thursday; and then sometime YMCA or USS swim meets on the weekends. In the summer we practiced five days, M-F, and then meets on the weekends. I'd work most days. I was a lifeguard then. The weekend nights I was wasting time happily at Mike's, I was with H and her friends. I guess at this point callin her H is kinda silly, Heather is her name. I dunno why I started that one letter stuff. I don't see what difference it makes.

I met my first girlfriend in high school. I was a junior and she was freshman. I still think about her and how that relationship really set the tone for so many more in my life. It's kinda of amazing how your first experience at something sets your expectations and actions. On our first 'date', really my first date ever, I went over to her house. Her parents were not supposed to be home and we were going to play some 'strip' game. But her parents were home, so we told them we were going to go to a local restuarant for ice cream. We got in my car and I asked where she wanted to go, she said she didn't want ice cream and was up to me. We decided we should find some place where we could sit and 'talk.' It's kinda funny look back on that night. She'd been on dates before. She'd kissed and fooled around, but I never had. I never understood why she went out with me. We ended up 'parking' and as things often do, one thing lead to another. Soon we were kissing and both rather exicited, but it was kinda awakward in the front of my car, so we moved to the back seat. I asked her what she wanted to do... I don't think I'll ever forget her face or her voice when she said, "Anything you want..." Get your mind out of the gutter, we didn't have sex, but we safely made it to third base and perhaps even started to break for home.

All those firsts we had. Such bitter sweet memories. We dated for a about seven months, not bad for a first girlfriend huh? I have alot of happy memories from those seven months. I felt good and part of something, well not totally part, but as close as I ever had. There was still something missing, I knew that. I knew it would end. But still many of my happiest memories are with her and no they all arnt sex. Most of my favorite 'erotic' memories are of her two, not sex acts, but images. Often at high school swim meets, the divers go first. A diving competition invovles each diver making 10 dives. Often each team had 3 or 4 girl and boy divers, thats between 60 adn 70 dives. That can take a long time. We, the swimmers, would rest, listen to walkmans, stretch, do anything to pass the time. Diving, to me, isn't fun to watch. I recall at one meet we, the majority of the swim team, were laying down and napping. Pool decks are often have things like lane rope holders or moveable lifeguard chairs around the deck. During swim meets they are moved back to the corners, freeing up as much space as possible. We laid out where ever there was room, often around this objects. That's all to kinda set the scene as it were. I recall laying on my towel, my eyes closed and listening to the divers. The silence, then the bouncing of the board, then the splash and parents clappping. Parents always clap, even if they first go OHHH or cringe at the dive. Anyway, she was on my left. I opened my eyes and looked around. I turned my head to the left. She was next to me resting as well. The fad those days was girls to just wear the bottoms of the sweatsuits we had. To walk around in those baggy pants on thier legs and just the skin tight racing suits covering the top, not that we (the boys) minded. I saw, no more than seven inches from my facer her right breast. We were friends, not dating yet though soon to start. Anyway, her nipple was hard. I could see every detial, every bump and crevice of her hardened nipple though the thin purple fabric of the suit. It was and still is an intense image.

What am I babbling about? Why did I tell that story? I've no idea. I was just talkin to E. She's not doing so well. I'm worried for her. Listen to Verbil E! *grin*

Verbil's her puppy. Puppies are smart, though they drink for toilets and eat cat poop. I can't say as I've tried either, so I can't knock it to much. Anyways, *Hugs* to E.

I'm a bit of a rambling mish-mash tonight eh? Oh, yes.. I know where I was headed before I got lost in memoryland. Kristin and I dated for seven months and then *poof* it was over. It happened as I dropped her off at her house after a morning summer practice. She hesitated in the car, like she had something to say or ask. Finally, she said she wanted to see other people. We hadn't fought over anything. I thought our relationship was pretty calm and steady actaully. But I guess not. I didn't say to much right then, honestly I dont' recall what I said. I didn't understand why. I still don't. Pearl Jam, Nirvana and Blind Melon were big then. I associate songs like 'Black' and 'No Rain' with her. She never gave a reason other than, I want to take someone else. Which, I guess, is reason enough, but not to a seventeen year old. I wonder how long she thought that decsion. How many times had she tried to say it before then? Sometimes I wonder, which is more fickle fate or women?

I was pretty mean to her that last season and didn't talk much. My senior year started and right before the X-mass dance I met Heather and we started going out. Oh my, I need to scroll back some. Wow! check that out! How the ficklness of my mind plays tricks. That story is not quite accurate. Kristin was my frist real girlfriend. I did date one girl before her though, Tara. She was manager for the swim team my sophmore year. A manager helped keep score, times and such. I am not going to talk any more about that. Some memories are best left buried under dust and time.

Forgive me, I'm distracted now. My minds a mental wreck. Why do I say these things here? Is this some sort of self punishment? A place where I privately, yet public, air out my mind? A place where I hand my soiled undies for all to see, but never to hear the giggles and laughs? Through all those 'best' friends, Tara and Kristin...I've learned to guard myself well. I throw up walls. I act irreverant and unserious in public. I play the laidback joker who takes nothing to serious. It's a mask I wear so well. I am 'the iceman', 'the rock', 'the anchor' at work. Nothing phases me. I take the punches, I roll and fix as best I can. Everything sits inside me. I bottle things up. Everyone I've ever cared about leaves. They fade or abruptly disappear, it doesn't matter. I can't recall what I've said of my family before. I'm to tired to go down that road. I feel the most emptiness from them.

Memory may distort the past, history is written by the victors. I write no word I know to be false. I'm as plain as I can be. I know I won't let myself broach some issues, I don't want to. Not on here. Somone once asked if I really thought these things. Yes, yes I do. Someone once said what I wrote distrubed them. Well, it sometimes distrubs me to. You can take comfort that the thoughts are not yours. There is a debate raging inside my head. Is this a place for full confessions of things I think? I allude to things, but I don't say them. Is that right?

I've not a had a true 'best' friend in years. Since... junior high? About then. I came close my first year of college, but for a switch I transfered out. That's many, many years to be alone. I have this daydream where I watch these hands build up a wall. Moving bricks and laying morter. Higher and higher the wall gets. Just hands, I can't see the body they are attached to. Sometimes I think I see the makings of a window in the wall. Sometimes there isn't.

Random on the winamp is playing good songs. I like Adia.

"I search myself and everyone to see where we went wrong, there's no one left to finger, there's no left to blame.."

"I'll leave you with your misery, a friend who won't betray..."

Someone asked me once how often do you cry? I replied 'do you mean want to cry or let myself cry?' Is there a difference? Perhaps there is. I'll say this, every entry like this...these are my tears.

There's so many things I wonder about, decions I've made and people I've met. I know I made the best choices I could then and find it odd how people and memories fade.

Enough of this. I dunno why I'm letting this go up, but so be it.