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"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." -- unknown
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - Albert Einstein
...silence....
2001-01-21 - 21:30:49
They say that silence is golden. You disagree. Silence is far from golden. It is deafening and leads to confusion. In silence you lack information, your mind is forced to assume facts. They arnt really facts at all, but the closest thing you have, which means they are worthless. Still, they are all you have and so you take these 'facts' and look at the situation. You try, as hard as you can, to bend the silence, to make it look good for you. You've been here before and you know the longer the silence lasts, the worse it will probably be. You try to figure out why the silence isn't ending. There's any of a hundered reasons, one as good and likely as the next. It's an exercise in insanity. Hours pass and so to do days and soon enough a week. Hopefully you wait for the silence to end. You sit by the phone, you check your email constantly, you keep chat clients up, all in waiting. Every day the hope grows dimmer and you chide yourself for being so foolish. You know you pin your hopes on foolish things, you've done it time and time again. Each new time you tell yourself this will not be like the last time. The law of averages says there has to be a change sooner or later. Besides, you have a 'good feeling' about this one. Forget you've had this good feeling so many times before. You lay in bed at night and wonder if this will work out different. If it's a matter of wanting it to, then there's nothing to worry about. You know you want it to. You are willing to consider anything to make this work. You see things, little things, but you give them more meaning than you should. You feel good, things look to be going well. Nothing is moving to fast, everyone seems happy. There is no pressure, there are talks. The talks are long, long talks are good. You know the situation, you've been here before. You know that this time there will be a period where there is no communication. This period means nothing, it's how the cards have been dealt and you understand this. But the hours turn to days and time drags on. The silence grows softer, not louder like people often say. No, it grows softer and smothers hope. There is no deafening roar or anything like that, that's for fancy books. You wait and feel the silence, hating it, but unable to fight it. You have reached out everyway you can. To do more is to become desperate and your not willing to do that. As you sit and wait another dream, another chapter, starts to fade. You begin to wonder how it will finally play out. You wonder if this is the final play, if you will never know what's really happened. You look back at things and wonder where they went awry. You dared to think that you might have happiness within your grasp. You chide yourself for this to. Have you not learned your lesson yet? But still there is a glimmer, the silence has not smothered everything yet. You know this and so you still wait by the phone, you check your email and you keep the clients up. Part of you holds onto the hope and the rest begins to mourn. You expected a day or two of this silence and looked greedily towards it end. You looked forward it passing, you planned out things to say. You considered this time to be a good thing. A chance to think, to consider. This you did and you still had that good feeling. It was the one good feeling you had. So many other things in your life look bleak and felt perhaps, just perhaps, you might finally have something on yourside. Now the silence grows and lengethens, it's shadow slowly creeping over everything. Still, still you sit and you wait. You still have the hope and deep down you still believe. Sooner or later the silence will end, the only question is when.
(this way) /
(that way)
A place like Alaska - April 07, 2012
Dowton Abbey - February 01, 2011
Dowton Abbey - January 31, 2011
Something of an update - January 16, 2011
What to do... - January 01, 2011
cogito ergo doleo |
my current wishlist item, yes i am waiting for godot.
we live in the land
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