"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." -- unknown

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - Albert Einstein

...xmass and J...
2000-12-21 - 01:16:01

Xmass has never been big in my family and I've never felt a huge surge of cheer and happiness.

I took my so called webpage down the other day. So, if by some odd chance, you were looking for it and are havin' problems now you know why.

My talk with my boss on the restructuring was, for lack of a better word, anti-climatic. Bascially what he said was, sit tight and wait n see how things shake out. He knows I'm not happy, but he wants me to stay and I do like working with him. I think what I'm gonna do is kinda hedge my bets and apply to some MBA schools. Depending on what school I get in and how the finance side of things look...I'll decide what to do then. Atleast this way I'll know excatly where I stand.

It's kinda weird writing things here. I've never been someone to talk about things in my life. It's kinda a family trait I think. No one in my family is overly expressive of any kinda emotion. No holiday is big in my family. It's kinda strange I guess, but it's a much better kinda dysfunctional family than most. It's just how things are. I'm not going anywhere or doing anything for Xmass. People at work were kinda freaked when I said that, but I've really have no where to go and so I'll be here.

That's not really why I brought up the 'its weird to talk on here' thing though. So far, everyone (however few of you that is) that reads here are really strangers. Sure, theres a few off IRC that I talk to that read here, but no one that I've met in person more than once knows this places exists. I wasn't sure if 'Amy' knew about here. I was kinda waiting for an explosive email from her after that last entry, but it hasn't come and I don't think I told her about here. As it turns out, a wise decsion.

I'm thinkin of changing that though. I've been talkin' to this girl since I was in college. Off and on we've talked, mostly in email and occasionaly on the phone. She's told me alot about herself and I feel kinda bad that I havn't really responded. It's just not 'natural' for me to bring up personal things in conversations like she has. She knows I like her and I want to get to know her. She seems like she likes me, but its been kinda funky since we are currently a good 8 hours apart. I think I should tell her about here. I'm getting more comfortable writing here and expressing things. Though it will be odd...her reading this message. But odd in a good way. I know at some point I'm gonna have to call her by name or something other than a pronoun anyways, so I've decided on J. Sorry if ya think thats lame or stupid or whatever, but your over it.

I need to be more expressive. I need to not sit on how I feel about things. I need to make it known when I like or don't like something. I need to realize what I want and then move to achieve/get that.

J and I just talked for like an hour. Shes off to vist her family for a week or so. She should get back next Friday and said she will call me as soon as shes back. I'm hopin when she calls, we can get together for New Years. I dunno, but I'm crossin my fingers.

I think this is the shortest entry I've done yet.