"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." -- unknown

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - Albert Einstein

...from stupid people to Weezer...
2000-12-17 - 04:52:27

I have this 'friend' who for this story shall be called Amy, cause its short n easy to type. Now, I've known Amy for about a year. I first met her when I found out I'd be moving to CT. We met on a Dalnet chat channel, as I was tryin to learn more about CT, att the time I was living in Florida and IRC was pretty good for gettin info.

Anyways, Amy and I talked for about a month and then I moved up to CT. We decided to meet. We got along ok, but she was not someone I could date, some of the reasons why will become clear in a bit. We talked about dating and I told her how I felt. Since then we've talked about us dating and being a 'couple', but I've been clear that that's not really an option. We go out to a movie or grab a bite to eat once a week and usually end up havin sex. A friends with benifits situation.

Tonight we went to see Unbreakable, perhaps more on the movie later, and then to dinner. At dinner we were talkin about books we've read and Amy says, "I used to read alot more when I was in high school, but I didnt have the time in college. I used to read poetry books." Here she pauses, and myself not know much about poetry didn't really say anything. She continues after a second or two of thought, "Well I guess Shakespear is more of playwrite than a poet with all those plays and things he wrote."

The rest of dinner was similarly painful. I'm by no means an 'intellectual elitist' (in fact I think I just misspelled both those words), but for me to really date someone they need to have atleast a bit of smarts to em. For dinner we both ordered salads, mine was spinach with chicken and hers was chicken caeser. Mine came with this balsomic(spelling??) vinegrette dressing. This dressing, while good, was an ungodly brown color that just made me think of diaherra. It was good though, once I got past the mental image. This restaurant serves all its dressings on the side in plastic cups. The waiter sets my salad and dressing down and then Amy's salad and dressing. She procedes to put her dressing on and mix her salad up. Before I do this, never having had this dressing before, I decide to taste it and dip in a piece of chicken. Amy goes, "Hey whats that? I didnt get any sauce to dip my chicken in." I almost gagged.

I think I need to put an end to this. The more we hang out, the more I realize that she really annoys me. The sex is nice and I'm not foolin around with anyone else, so it's doubly nice.

I feel like I'm at this huge crossroads in my life. My 'professional life' is all fucked up with this restructering. My 'sex life' thanks to Amy is expanding into new territories. I'm starting to see her someone who is good for exploring my sexual desires, which really isnt a healthy postion for her to be in since I know she'd like much more from our 'relationship'. My 'personnal life' is, as normal, all fucked up. I really need sit my butt down and write out 'Kravenism' on my web page to explain this.

This is the first time since I was 18 (that'd be 6 years) that I've lived in one place/aparment for a solid year. Each year of college I moved and in the 2 years Ive been outta college I've moved six times. I live in four different states last year. Forgive if I've said some of this before.

I still feel like I have no direction in my life. What direction I did have, was with work and it just went POOF. I'm feelin good about living in one place for a year. It's nice not to pack and carry my crap. They say everyone has a niche to fill. I've yet to find mine. I have no real passion for anything. I never have. If had some real drive I have no doubt I coulda had scholarships to whatever school I wanted in swimming. It just takes a HUGE effort for me to focus on something and it's impossible for me keep that focus up for a length of time.

I become bored with everything I do. The girl I thought I'd marry broke up with me cause she said I got bored with her. This was 'bout 2 years ago. I tried to argue I hadn't but I realized I had. Uhm, ok..I need to get off this, this is depressing me.

I heard, of all bands, Weezer on the radio tonight. I just had to come home and put in this cd, I think they only have one. Some of these songs are interesting if you really listen to them.

Unbreakable is decent. Like the Sixth Sense (same writer if you didn't know), the ending ties the whole movie together. Up to then your confused, atleast I am, and then in a few short sentences the whole things makes sense. Parts of Unbreakable were distrubing, but I'd watch it again.

'My name is Jonas. I'm carried in the whale.'

'The world has turned and left me here, just where I was before you appeared and in your place an empty space has has filled the void behind my face. I just made sweet love to you memory one thoughsand times in my head.'

'I've talked for hours to your wallet photograph.'

'If you want to destory my sweater, just pull this thread as you walk away.'

I find the sweater song an extremely enabling song for moments of self-examination. I think its the repetitive soft music, murmuring and vocal patterns.

'oh yeah...all right...feels good...inside...flip on the tele..'

'Youve cleaned up, found Jesus, things are good, or so I hear, this bottle of spirts awakens ancient demons.'

night night