"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." -- unknown

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - Albert Einstein

...confusion and wonderings...
2001-01-04 - 01:58:20

This diary has taken a twist. J reads it now. I think I mentioned that, she called it interesting. I am not how I am in person, I express things differently here. I�m often less serious in person, saying extreme and impossible solutions to problems. Your scared your glasses might break while skiing so you wear contacts? No, no, just cover the insides of the lens with clear scotch tape. Sure your vision might be blurry, but the tape will help stop the glass shards from piercing your eye and it�s much less expensive than contact. Perhaps my mind does exist in a surreal self-created environment.

I think about this a lot. I wonder how to take things people say. I know from experience I�m often wrong, that I read things wrong. I know that people are often very, very poor at reading other people. Though sometimes I break the mold and nail things dead on. Perhaps it�s all random, where I�m right or wrong about things I mean. But like I said there is a twist, J reads now. Do I continue to type what I think and feel about this, about things that happen between us? Do I drop our interactions from the page as a matter of privacy? Should I base my decision on her input about this? What if I say things that �expose� me, that leaves me vulnerable? My �danger� sense is flashing hard about this. I�m like everyone else, no one wants to get hurt. But a diary is supposed to hold your thoughts on important things. I�ve spoken here of things I�ve not told close friends, should I make an exception?

Yes, if your wondering, I�m thinking this through as I type. I am predisposed toward one answer, but I�ve not reached a final conclusion.

Well, perhaps I have decided, but first some input from E. I�m curious to hear her point of view. She concurs. It is my diary and this is what diaries are for. So barring an explicit asking by someone, all things should remain fair game. �Don�t judge what you write and don�t judge what you share� is E�s rule. Well, I�ve got doubts on if its possible to do anything regarding anyone without judgments, but that�s an issue for a different day. Another quote by E �your going to offend someone somewhere�don�t worry about that�just get it out of you�someone will appreciate it.� Well, she might make a horrid Jimmity Cricket, but she�s the closest thing I got and besides, her thoughts agree with mine. Maybe she just wants to hear gossip.

I started this with �I am confused� and I am. I went off about how things seldom seem to work out how I think they will, not so much how I�d like them to, but how I think, for good or bad, they will. I am confused about J and what she thinks. I�d like to take a trip down to her before she goes back to school, but it seems that events are conspiring to make that not likely to happen or is she using the events as good reasons to say �sorry, can�t happen.� Since all we have had is short phone calls and emails, it�s easy to get mixed signals. Perhaps the distance is too much or too much time has passed since we last spent any time together. I talked to her tonight and she brought up my story about H and asked how I could still like her since it has been me that has kept in touch with her all this time. She said she was just like H. She�s not though. It�s different. I don�t know how to explain that. I don�t know what words to say to express that, but it is. We�ve both wondered how things would be if we spent time together and I�d really like to know. Is it events that stop this or she�s had a change of mind and is being polite?

I like J. She was one of main reason I took that road trip even though I knew I�d only get short time to hang out with her. I got to watch her dance, she�s good. Again, events crept up and we didn�t get to really talk. I wish we had. I wish I knew where we stand. Is she as confused as I am? Does she want the confusion to clear?

Isn�t my thought process wonderful? You can almost smell smoke as the gerbil runs double time powering the wheel to turn the gears of my brain. Poor gerbil. What a crappy job he has huh?

I got acoupla emails from A (formerly �Amy� but I like the one letter abbreviations) this week. I�ve not answered them. Friendly emails about friend stuff. �How was your New Years?� �How has work been?� Normal things, boring things. I�ve not replied yet. I need to. It depresses me to compose emails to her. She�s the only person near here that I hang out with on weekends. It�s not a good (read: healthy) relationship, but it is all I have and it�s ending.

I�m not sure what I will do this weekend. I think I might take up pool as a hobby. It can be a one person game and it can lead to meeting people. It�s not very expensive either. I enjoy playing it, sometimes I�m not even that bad at it.

I�m a mess. �Always thinking� is another quote a friend said to me. Yep that�s me, always thinking. Who knows why I think what I think. I figured out why I like that Dido song, �Thank You.� I want to get that phone call that makes me happy. I like songs, songs express things for me. I want my life to fit that song. It�s about being happy. It�s about having what you need. It�s about shitty things can happen, but something so very small can make all those shitty things not matter.

Sometimes I wish I didn�t think so much. Sometimes I wish I didn�t have this sadistic introspective self-analyzing view. But then I�d not be me, would I?