"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." -- unknown

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - Albert Einstein

What to do...
August 09, 2010 - 4:07 pm

What I thought it said was something about becoming an adult like me in 10 years.

I was... confused by this (and rightly so since it's an incorrect reading of the note) and thought, who the f would want to be like me? Who could see themselves in 10 years and think.. 'This Kraven fellow is what I'll be like'? Christ that's a troubling thought.

Anyway.. I re-read the note and am even more, I think, confused. My first entry was one that inspired thoughts of maturity? I suppose I'll have to go re-read it. If so, I've pretty clearly devolved. Which makes sense. A lot of sense. Too much sense.

I still.. struggle with what to do. Stay and try to make 'here' work or turn tail and run. If I were renting, I'd go... I'd run. But I'm not.. I fear leaving here means through foreclosure and that's just a step I don't want to do. I find the idea... terribly embarrassing. Pretty damn near the ultimate "I'm a loser" sort of badge to have.

Part of me recognizes that's not the case. I simply live in a place I can no longer afford at my current income.. well, if I had current income.

I continue to look for jobs. One or two seem promising. However, HR departments move at an agonizingly slow rate.

I continue to find ways to procrastinate my current gig. Case in point, I'm sitting in a Borders now and not calling people.

I continue to entertain the fantasy of doing something like teach English abroad. Heck, I sent sent my resume to a place about that today. Never mind the fact it does not, in the least, address the income/mortgage issue. I'd still need to sell/get foreclosed on here. I'd still need to find the girls new homes.. and all that mess.

That's another thing... in a way, I can't afford to sell. Not with paying the closing fees and realtor fees. I simply don't have the money even if the bank let me do a short sale. I'm not positive on what the figure would be, so I shouldn't say I can't.. but it strikes me as something in the thousands.

My mind.. it boggles.

I am still, somewhat, impressed with myself for broaching the idea to my brother and then telling mom my thoughts. I bothers me some that she is now all worried about me, but well... nothing to do be done about that. I suppose it's nice to be worried about.

I forget just when I broached the idea to my brother... but we haven't really talked since then. It really comes down to me making up my mind... but how to decide such a thing?

I suppose I need to get an accurate cost on the closing/realtor fees and see if he'd be willing to help cover that. The more I think about it, the more it seems if that's my choice, I need to do it soon before another month passes and I lose another chunk of income.

What would be different better there? I'd have a built in incentive to do something. I'll want to get my own place. I'll have family seeing me procrastinating and harping on me to do this or that. I'd be able to mooch off them.. which will also annoy me.

I might be able to swing going back to school easier.. which is something I did email about last week. Hopefully get an answer back soon.

It's really the condo. It's a load-stone around my neck at this point. It's the girls, what to do with them? I greatly dislike the idea of having to find them new homes.. feels like betraying them.

Tick.... tock.... goes the clock.

I am now putting #4 into full effect:
If there is an important choice to be made, count on me to dwell on it incessantly and then, at the very last moment, choose at random.