"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." -- unknown

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - Albert Einstein

cheap easy excuse
October 23, 2009 - 5:31 pm

This.. bothers me, but not as much as it will next month. Next month will be bad. Not just due to bills, but it's a holiday month. Traditionally... this means my going to VA to be with the rest of the family for a few days.

Getting there isn't an issue, I've enough miles to fly free. No, the issue will be the conversation. The times, probably in the evening, when I'm asked "so what happened?" and "how goes the job hunt?"

Questions I don't want to deal with. Questions I want to avoid. I derive little pleasure in the yearly gathering... I just feel no meaningful connection to all of them. I should, but I don't. I've talked about many times before.

I loath seeing my father and seeing how much worse I'm sure he is. Snapshots.. seeing him once a year makes the long, slow decline all the more evident.

Perhaps I won't go. I can certainly have something of an excuse. No one has asked me if I'll be coming down or not.

In my usual double-thought way, the idea of totally leaving here and begging to stay with my brother has appeal. The annoying, dreadful conversations would happen just once or twice.. and I could look for a job there.

Problems with this though.. I'd probably lose money selling here. And.. what to do with Loca? I can't imagine her in their house. No, not with how messy it is... christ. It's a fucking disaster. The girls are older, so I think they'd be good with her.. but my brother is allergic. No, they wouldn't want her. She's get outside and, more than likely, be gone for good. No, a bad idea.

Funny.. how a cat factors into my thinking. How, on more than one occasion, the question of what about Loca has swayed me from one path to another. A cheap, easy excuse? Perhaps...