"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." -- unknown

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - Albert Einstein

My birthday is today.
June 07, 2009 - 5:23 pm

I can remember her telling the odd story of this person or that person from the facility she ran... and then... she wouldn't tell any more stories about this person or that person. It never really dawned on me why until I asked a follow-up question to a story she'd told months ago. Mom sort of looked at me for a moment and said, "So-and-so isn't at the facility anymore..."

Then it all clicked -- either the person had died or had gone to the hospital. No ever 'gets better' or has a happier ending than that.

Anyway... this morning she sends another email that grandma is much worse -- as in on oxygen and not eating. The beginning of the end, as identified yesterday, is really more like the ending of the end.

I am happy I got to see her in August. I wish I had a recording of her voice. I can't quite put into words what's it's like, but there's this twang to it that I greatly enjoy. A sort of drawn out way of saying "Wellllll" to start a reply to a question.

Of course, I can't pretend I know her. I really don't. I've probably met her no more than a dozen times, most of those many, many years ago when I was a kid. Still.. I am saddened by the news.

I am left to wonder, am I expected to fly out to Kansas for the funeral?

I feel like such an outsider to the rest of the mammoth family. I true stranger interloping as they tell stories and this and that. From age.. I don't know 12 on.. I've seen them three times?

I dislike funerals in general -- who likes them, right?

Christ.. juts got another email -- literally, just now. How's that for timing? Grandma is on morphine... this family member and that is rushing to Kansas, but their getting there in time doesn't look good.

What I was going to say is the last funeral I went to... was so 10 years ago. A friend of my from high school died -- a fireman who, oddly enough, drowned while on duty. He was helping check flooded cars and got trapped under one. The story made national news. We, who were his friends from high school, barely got into the church for the service. That pissed me off.

I remember going to the viewing and kneeling in front of the casket... and seeing the ever so faint string (?) used to sew his mouth shut. That's really what I remember... Well, that and all the out of state plates in the parking lot from firemen who traveled miles and miles for the funeral.

Anyway.

I've lost my train of thought.

Happy birthday to me.