"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." -- unknown

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - Albert Einstein

To password or not?
June 28, 2008 - 3:19 pm

But things I don't address... that I could. Or, if I do, I find I'm overly careful in how I address them.

I'll speak in riddles more than normal...

You see, that's my way getting something out of my head without really saying what it is. A defense mechanism of sorts. But, in away, that reduces the point of here, no?

Looking at the sitemeter, not so many people read here and it's possible only two people I've ever actually met read here... one of those I don't care what she knows. The other... well, I'm not sure the other still reads here and even less sure I care. I think that's finally over and done with.

Too many lies. Too much lip service... too much... of well, not enough.

If I did put on a password, I think I'd get depressed at the exceptionally short list of folks who'd bother to ask for it... and I can't imagine telling anyone (literally anyone) no. So why put it on?

What's the chances someone who reads here could figure out who I am?

I don't think that's really possible... is it?

In a way, should someone put in the effort to figure out who I am, I'd be stupefied at the amount of time it would take... and well, quite flattered.

It occurred to me that I've got this linked to my little story portfolio and have for some time... there's probably more there I'd never want anyone to pin to me than anything here.

So.. in the end, no I don't think I will password here. Just not a point.

Why have I been pondering it?

The Tuesday meeting I mentioned a bit ago... 'twas through EAP (which is great program you should see if your company offers) to see a counselor. It's not that I wanted to get into counseling... and my time with the lady really confirmed I'm not interested in it. It was to get an evaluation and recommendation on if a depression/mental medication would be 'right' for me. She seemed to think so and recommended a shrink for me to see. Yes, I'll use the non-preferred word shrink... it's easier to type. I'm lazy that way.

I see him Monday.

As for meeting with her, I really put effort into not planning out how the meeting would. I purposeful avoided walking through what I thought she'd ask and how I'd answer. That's not to say I was successful, but I kept it to a minimum.

In large part, I was right about the questions she asked -- though there were a lot more gentle probing into my childhood than I expected. She seemed quite dissatisfied to learn my early years were stereotypical in a good, normal way. No parent fights. Middle class family. No divorce. No early losses to deal with. No... well, nothing she tried to find as a "hot button" issue to focus on.

In a way, I felt like she was trying to decide what pigeon hole I belong on. So that she'd then know how the rest of meetings would go.. I can totally see that person in hole A needs to work on X, Y and Z. Person in hole B needs to work on Z, M and Q. Person in hole C needs A, M and B. And so on...

The one thing she was able to focus on is that I don't know anyone here. So my 'homework' is to brainstorm and make a list of every possible way in which I could meet more people -- a totally inclusive list, so no matter how silly the idea.. write it.

I'm very much familiar with this type of brainstorming process... and it bores me. I'm well aware of what I could do and I don't feel the urge to walk through my list with her and to see how she's going to gently nudge me towards a handful of ideas to seriously consider. I also realize it's a way for her to get to know me, to see how I think and what I come up with.

In fact.. I found myself, more than once, knowing exactly what she was going to ask next. We were connecting dots to a degree and that's my fault - well, sort of.

As I said before, I didn't see her with the intention of starting a series of counseling meetings. I went there to get an evaluation/recommendation. The thing is... I don't think she ever really asked me what I wanted -- what my goal was. It was more of a very brief into and then she said she had some questions for me.

Off we went down the list of my symptoms, family history, had I ever hurt anyone or wanted to hurt myself.. all the things you'd ask a depressed person in the quest to find the 'root cause'.

Anytime I'd offer up a 'trigger' to my mood swings, she's immediately ask what did I think this tied back to in my childhood. A fair question I suppose, but... I've got no answer for that.

Anyway, I guess she assumed my goal was the understood "stop being depressed" and it is. Just not via talking to her.

She did ask the retarded of question of "What would you do if money wasn't an issue?"

That's the same as askign What would I do with three arms or two penises? Or what would I take a desert island?

I fully get the intent of the question and I intensely dislike it all the same.

What would anyone with if money were no problem? Buy an island and live on the beach with a drink always at the ready? Perhaps for a while, but that's really quite boring. Devote oneself to some sort of volunteer work -- something that "makes a difference".. no doubt another common answer.

The point is think about what you really, really want to do should you not have the obstacle of having to earn money.

Therein lies the rub. One must earn money. So while it's fantastic to realize I'd most enjoy being an astronaut and living on the space station, it's not really... well, helpful.

However, if living on beach were my ideal.. I suppose I could do that now. Just move to Florida and be a bum. What's the difference?

I could do volunteer work now, but you know what... I don't.

Btw, that was the the answer I gave as it seemed she wouldn't take "I don't know" as an option.

While I get "I don't know" is an easy out... it's also a perfectly viable answer when one is asked a 'serious' question that requires 'serious' thought. At least, it's a viable initial answer... perhaps better phrased as I'd need to think about that for a bit first.

Had I scripted this conversation, I may well have thought she'd ask question like this and had some canned answer ready, but that defeats the question. At least in my mind it does.

At the end, she said 'we'd' focus on cognitive therapy. I waited a moment, but she didn't explain what it was. While I know the term, I couldn't say much more about other than cognitive is fancy way to say "thinking". My cognitive skills are my thinking skills.. in my laymen's terms. So I asked.. and she gave a rambling answer about how it was a way of building new neurons through developing new ways of thinking about things. I parroted back, it's like building new habits. She sort of frowned and said I suppose it's like that.

Piss off suppose, that is what it is. It's building new mental habits. I looked it upon getting home. Perhaps she doesn't like my way of using metaphors to explain/understand things. Nothing is truer about me than I'll explain something to you in terms of something else.

I've no desire to sit in her office and have her bounce questions off me. I really, really don't see how our first session helped me build any sort of trusting relationship with her. I know zero about her. Literally. I don't know how long she's been doing what she's doing... went to school.. or anything. Perhaps that's normal, but... well, she's just another stranger to me at this point.

So... anyway. I'm supposed to see her again in couple weeks, but I think I'll call and cancel. I think I'll leave her a v-mail that upon reflection, I'm really not interested in therapy. At least, not yet.

I guess we'll see how it goes with the shrink. I'm curious to see what pills I'll get. Again, I'm not going to bother scripting out various scenarios. We'll see how that goes. Perhaps on future visits I will.

In other, other news... work is dead slow now. I mean... like 10 emails a day and only three or four I need to do something with. I mean the phone never rings. I mean... well, less than an hour's worth of real work.

I sort of like it, but it's too damn slow.

I think I'm going to use the time to actively write more. It's a good environment for writing. The only hitch is when something does come in, I'm so far into 'coast mode', I feel... too disjointed in what I need to do. I'm too much at rest. But, oh well... it all pays the same, doesn't it?