"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." -- unknown

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - Albert Einstein

feelings and work
December 05, 2007 - 6:45 pm

I'll use school as an example...

All through school when I'd get a long term assignment -- a report or something due later in the school year -- I'd be able to look at the report and simply know how long it'd take me to do. I didn't need to mark a calendar with start X or Y. As new task were added in other classes, I automatically adjusted this magical schedule in my head.

If you asked me at any given time how long this or that take me, I'd just shrug and say I'm not sure, but not too long. I had no real idea, I just knew it wasn't something I need to do right now.

At some point, I'd get this odd feeling that it was finally time to do some work -- perhaps prodded by an off-hand comment from a classmate about how much time he/she had put into the assignment already.

Now and then I'd get this down right nasty squeamish feeling in my stomach and that's when I knew it was truly time to focus.

The same goes for work. What I do largely project driven. On any given day I'll feel some variation of stressed/squeamish on project. The worse I feel, clearly, the more fucked I am.

I felt really and truly fucked this weekend.. but I'm still employed. In fact, I'm meeting with a guy about the new gig option tomorrow. Very oddly, another gig that I doubt I'm remotely qualified for opened up today. The thing is, I know the guy who's going to fill it.. he's my first boss at this company. Even odder, I stopped by his office today for no reason.. at least not a conscience one. We did a bit of small talk and made a promise to talk again in a few days.

It was then that the idea of my moving into this clearly higher job came to my mind. He's the sort who likes to put people he knows into place. I think he's got a good opinion of me, so why not? Perhaps I'll noodle around gently Friday.

I could find myself with possibilities instead of one.. and, to be honest, I'm not sure the one at hand is all that good. I'd like it more than what I do now, but I don't see any path from it to something better.