"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." -- unknown

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - Albert Einstein

cleaning, shopping and impulses
April 22, 2007 - 1:58 pm

Of course you don't.

So, the "super busy" time at work is more or less over. I think. At least I don't have anymore days with multiple things do at once. I think I can actually focus on one thing at a time now and hopefully get something done right.

I shudder to think of all the half-assed things that have happened in the last two months. Really. I do.

I wouldn't surprise me at all if I got fired. My only defense is that you hired a person with no experience and said, "here.. off you go!" and left me more or less on an island with no direction.

But that's a whiny way to look at things. It may be valid, but whatever.

So.. today I did some cleaning. I need to do more.

So.. today I ordered a couple books on poker. I need to learn more there.

I did go to foxwoods yesterday and whole fuck did I screwup. I mean.. total mental melt down.

I'm waiting for a 1/2 table and a guy calls out that a 2/5 is going to open up. So I wander up.. it's the next limit up from what I usually play and I'm curious what the buy-in, betting is like. I'm surprised that the buy-in is the same. I look around at stacks of people at table and I'd be ok chip-wise.

So.. I play.

The table, from the comments of the people there, was an odd table. This one guy was literally playing every hand and hit in less than hour flopped three straights, two sets and flush. That's on the flop. The guy was just winning everything. It was really bizarre. He went from around $300 to over 2k.

Anyway. I think that was part of my melt down. Any I hand I wanted to play, he'd call post flop and make a big bet on the flop. I know the odds say he shouldn't keep hitting, but he was. So what are you to do? Toss in more? Fold to what could be a bluff? You need to be damn sure of you cards.. and the problem was I wasn't flopping anything.

I was able to run a couple good bluffs.. and was, overall, playing well -- meaning that I wasn't losing money.

But.. then.. came.. this.. one hand. I don't know if I was just tired. If I was frustrated. If my blood sugar was low. If... the little censor in my head took a nap -- which happens from time to time.

Reminds of me a former roommate's girlfriend from undergrad. She was a psych major and we'd met a handful of times. As I'm want to do, I asked her if she thought I had any "mental defects" and she replied, with hardly any thought, "Some sort of impulse control disorder".

We never followed-up on that, but I think she's right. I certainly do get these odd, really odd, lapses in judgment where I do the damnedest things and couldn't tell you why. Kind of like when you ask a five year old "Why did you do x?" They have no idea.. they just did it.

Yeah. So. I lost a lot of money. One hand. Really quite dumb and earned, totally earned, the label of donk.

My only hope is when I go back next.. some of those folks will be at the table and they'll recall me.. and that will, hopefully, work to my advantage.