"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." -- unknown

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - Albert Einstein

i'm tired.. so tired.
June 22, 2006 - 8:04 pm

for the first time this week.. i've not laid on the floor foolishing telling myself i'll get up "in a few" and do the work i need to do.

i did that yesterday.. and didn't get up to do the work. instead, i got up at 5am and did a half-ass job of what i needed to do... before heading off to work.

i'm not sure if it's the wicked kick-start of so much information trying to be crammed into my head.. or something else that's just caused my brain to want to turn off around 6 or 7pm each day this week.

i don't recall being so tired.. so often.. for so long.

is my head really that out of shape? well, i suppose it is.

i've a laptop now. i'm about to use it.

i wish i had a desk. a real desk - not this shitty wal-mart computer desk. actaully, i wish i had a table -- a kitchen-like table. though any table you can fit a chair at would be dandy.

oh the joys of never quite bothering to buy furniture and just making do with whatever i moved here with.

soon.. soon i'll go shopping. soon real paychecks will be sent.. and i'll have to decide which fantasy version i'm going to run with.

on another note.. each day... as i sit in the training room and look at the time, i think "should i call today?" i decide, well, nearly decide, i should each day. i'll set a time.. at 4.. or 4:30.. on my way to the car..

i haven't yet. it's not from a lack of wanting to.. it's from.. a lack.. of being sure if it's the "right" thing to do. i know i'd like to. i know i want to. i like to think you'd like me to.. but what if you don't? what if it'd just be yet another thing i've done that ends up fucking with your head?

i like to think that's not the case.. but, well.. how can i know?

the only way i can know.. is to ask.. and yet.. by asking, i could be doing just that.

catch-22. my favorite book. it strikes again.

i've.. endlessly debated various tracks... i've even consulted the magic 8 ball.

the 8 ball never lies. it can't lie. that's the beauty of it. it just gives an answer and you either accept it.. or push-back, either way.. you know you're choice -- call it a gut check.. an impulse check.. a "first guess" check.

the trick, the real trick, of the 8 ball is to go with what you decide at that instant.

i like to tell myself that. i seldom do. the 8 ball said i should. i liked the reply.. but then.. i knew i'd like that reply.. it doesn't help clarify anything.

i think.. tomorrow.. i am. we are getting out early.

the only way to know.. is to do. to not do.. is to have lingering wonderings.. to not do is take refuge in the realm of "what if".

do you understand why i pause? why i debate.. why i hesitate?

i don't think you read here anymore.. i'm not sure why i've switched this to talking to you.

perhaps we'll actaully talk tomorrow.