"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." -- unknown

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - Albert Einstein

2 out of 3.. ain't so bad, is it?
May 31, 2006 - 6:48 am

i'm giving my notice today. i always feel.. a lot of anixity before doing this.

it occurs to me that I've done this way too often. i'm semi-for making a vow not to do it again. time will tell.

i didn't sleep well last night either. i think i know the cause.. and will test it tonight.

in the three facets of life.. my career section has taken a decided up-tick. this has, in turn, pulled up my self-esteem -- people want me for an important job in a high profile program. these are smart people who interviewed a lot of folks and picked me for 1 of 2 spots.

right or wrong, i choose to let this fuel, to a degree, my ego.

my personal life.. i'm not happy with how i look. i keep talking about going to a gym, but.. it always seem to find a reason not to go. i'm finding that i can use my increased sense of self-worth to make me want to be healthier.. and so, the basic plan is stop by a gym near my house tonight and see how much it is.

my inter-personal life.. well, that's still... on hold i guess is the best term for it. i sent an email.. perhaps i shouldn't have sent.. and that's what this:
http://kraven.diaryland.com/060529_97.html
is all about. yeah, no hypertags today, too early for that.

i'm helpless.. at this point to do anything there.

i'm rather of the opinion that i'm simply "not good" in this department. everyone has strengths and weaknesses... and this, well, this is clearly a weakness for me.

i'm not sure what to do.. and so, i think i'll choose to wait.. and hope.. and focus what resources i have on getting me healthier and on my new career. i'd love to "fix" this.. i'm a fixer by nature.. and that's probably a huge part of my problem. you can only fix what you control. control is bad word.. you can only fix what someone else will let you fix. i know this.

it's like trying to help someone who doesn't want to be helped.. or to be a friend to someone who doesn't want you as a friend -- you just piss them off and drive them away.. and it confuses the hell out of you since they are reacting the exact oppisite of how you'd like things to go. so you try harder or a different way.. or you blow-up yourself.

i know all this. i can see all this happening.

it's just.. it's my nature.

at least this time i finally managed (however badly) to say the things i've wanted to say.

there's nothing else to be done.