"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." -- unknown

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - Albert Einstein

give me one reason..
January 18, 2006 - 6:35 am

in such times of introspection, i ramble. i'm prone to that anyway.. i suppose since i lack someone to talk to about such things, i babble here or in email.

all part of my charm.

ironcically, in way.. i'm taking your advice. when i talk about my job, that i don't like it.. that i'm unhappy, you say to quit. i don't like the current status of our relationship, it makes me unhappy.

i can't 'fix' my job -- i need to find a new one.

i can't fix our relationship -- so the same logic applies, i need to find a new one.

a big part of my thinking is that.. it's been six months that i've lived something like an hour from you. in that time, we've not talked on the phone once.. we've not seen each other once..

we've fought over those things, but nothing changes.

we've talked about how relationships are compromise.. i don't feel any compromise has come from you. for years it's been this is the way things must be.. and i've yielded and agreed to it.

i don't want to get into all that. it's all been said before. words.

in closing, you asked more than once.. if i felt i knew you or got you. i knew as soon as you asked that nothing good was going to come of things -- if there was a chance of that anyway.

i know enough to know at the first sign of a conversation like this, it's over. i know enough to know that as soon as i bring something like this up, you go into full retreat mode. bad terminalogy perhaps, but close enough i think.

a few short days ago you said to me more than once that i never met the real you. that you'd lied to me. i took those words as just some depression talking.

but really.. all i know of you are words on a screen. it's been ages since we met in person.. and even then we didn't talk about serious things.. don't get me wrong, i enjoyed our time together. i'd love to spend more.. but for years we've just been words on a screen.

words you said that night that aren't true. that arn't the real you.

how many times have you said we should be over? how many times have you tried to push me away? how many times have i have argued against that? how many times have i said i won't argue against that anymore?

it's all the mulberry bush. we've both said we don't want to do that anymore.. and step 1 of the bush dance is to just keep doing the same thing.. to just talk online. step 1 to ending the bush dance is to change that.

you aren't ready to move forward, so that leaves moving apart.

after all these years, i'm finally going to do what's best for me. if we can't move forward, we move apart.

if you want me in your life, you need to tell me. you need to say those words. in the words of tracy chapman, "give me one reason to stay here and i'll turn right back around."