"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." -- unknown

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - Albert Einstein

yeah, i got mad.. i'm not happy about that
September 18, 2005 - 5:29 pm

one of us is delusional when it comes to our conversations. i'm pretty sure it's not me.

to say i've not supported when in terms of quiting your job and school.. is silly. one of our chats have been about nothing else. i urged you find a job close to school.. something easy that wouldn't cause stress or make it hard to study.

i told you where you work is bad.. that you need to leave and not feel bad for those who stay -- they choose to stay and you can't help that. i recall, quite clearly, you're saying "i really like that" in regards to that notion.

anyway. you seem to view everything i do with darkness... you said what am i doing to help myelf?

hrm. let me count the ways:

1) earned my mba

yes i fucked up and took a job it turns out i shouldn't have.. but i'm dealing with that.

2) going on job interviews to find a better job

3) ordered the gmat book i need to study for the phd test

4) emailing profs i've had and asking about the phd program and how they think i'd do

5) talking to my current boss and working with him to identify jobs i'd like better.. and how to get there.

6) continaully reaching out to talk to you.. though that seems to have been a mistake. yes, we agreed to be friends, but what have you done to support that? not a damn thing. you have no answer for that.

in terms of my career.. what else can one do? you know i've done personality research and looked into what jobs match what types... we've talked about that.

telling my boss i'm unhappy and working to get into something else is huge. ordering the book.. searching that options.. important steps.

anyway. i'm abit miffed with myself.. for taking the time to write this. i've thought for weeks that your lack of anything even appraoching an action that would support us being friends needs to be address.

i didn't want to.. since, as i said to you, you're one of a very few people i happen to know in this state.. and the idea of us being friends holds an appeal. though i think the saying of "with friends like you..." is almost fitting.

for as long as i've known you, you've said you wanted X, but your actions never supported that. time and again.. we'd talk about bf/gf relationships.. and it was a fucking fight to get you to even meet me.. going to a movie was a huge deal.

yes, i know you have various issues.. don't we all? in fact, it was that knowledge that kept me around. if i hadn't of known that, i'd simply have written you off long, long again. instead, i choose try and deal with it.

history has now shown, quite clearly, i am not capable of dealing with it. the way my mind works and the way yours does.. is a bad combination.

heck, even a simple asking of us to see a movie now that we are about an hour apart causes stress. that's silly. that's laughable. at least to me.

you say, as we talk online, "that i'd do anything i could to make you happier" and yet you can't even manage to send me an email that says "hi" or an IM that isn't in reply to one you've received.

if you think i'm dark.. and all that.. well, i think you need speak to people who actaully know me. can i be dark? sure, who can't? you said yourself you've been depressed the last few days.

anyway. don't forget, a good many of the late night chats we've had.. i've been drinking. drinking depresses the depresses the mind.. and i'm a lonley person who's not very good at people people.

i'm not very social. this fact used to bother me a lot.. but then i get that it fits my personality type -- in fact it makes sense. a lot of sense.

if you judge me by this page.. well, you're getting a biased view of me. more of than not, this place is where i come to purge the shit in my head. it's the dumping ground, so yes, a lot of "dark" things get put here. that's what here is for.

anyway. what pissed me off today was your comment about my not supporting you and quiting.

wholey fuck. that just. totally. comletely. baffles me. it leaves me speechless. i have no desire to see anything else you have to say.

that's all that i'm mad about. the rest.. is well, history. i came to terms with it long ago. i hoped i was wrong.. but it seems i wasn't. i held in some final purging with the idea that i was wrong.. no sense burning a bridge that doesn't need burned -- or something like that.

now, i get the bridge is out and it has been for years.