"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." -- unknown

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - Albert Einstein

moods and i feel..
August 15, 2004 - 11:14 pm

exhausting. frustrating. maddening.

impossible to sort out a course of action.

i think.. this speaks to a sideline fantasy of sorts of mine. the idea of being with someone who i'm comfortable granting full control over things to.

of course, being controlled isn't what i want. for any time i've dabbled in this, i find that i want the person to tell me what i want to hear at a given moment.. with some variation of course.

so really, i find myself in situations where i'm forced to try and maniuplate a situation to get told what i want to hear.

translation: i want to be in charge of things. there are things i like and things i don't.. and i'm particular enough to get annoyed, in my stellar passive-aggressive way, if things arn't how i want them.

this is the very heart of my fucked up head.

i want x (being in full control of my life), but in trying to get x, i adopt tactic y (manipulating someone else to tell me the things i want to hear) and get the end result of a (no one happy).

easy to solve? sure, if my thinking on the subject is correct.. seeing what i need to do, what things to change, is easy to point out. however, changing human behavior isn't easy. especailly when i tumble through a million different moods a day.

one instant i'm all set for change and plans laid out.

the next i'm full of despair.

the next i'm upset with myself for being depressed.

the next i'm as apathetic as possible.. a feeling of being totally 'blah' - in this mood, i want to move some place semi-warm and become a bum.

the next i'm all supercharged with dreams of going to china for an internship..

the next i can't fathom even trying to learn to speak chinese (let alone read/write it).

the next i'm sorting out preferred method for offing myself.

the next i'm wondering if the girl i talked to the other day really liked me.. and how so many positive things could build from that.

the next i'm chiding myself for reading too much into things.. and then i get on a kick about how i need to start working out to get into semi-decent shape..

the next i think, well.. if i'm going to off myself, no point in working out.

eh.

mostly though.. i'm losing any desire to go through all that bullshit mood changing.

i don't really care if everyone does that kind of mood changing or not. it really doesn't matter since i'm not anyone else.

i feel.. drained.

i feel.. tired.

i feel.. pointless.

i feel.. like everything is grey and there's no color to behold.