"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." -- unknown

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - Albert Einstein

sleep and pain
August 08, 2004 - 10:27 pm

this flash was caused by seeing an article, rather similair to some i've seen before, that contends bits of your personality can be told by how you sleep. if you sleep all sprawled out it means x, on your belly means y and so on..

now, i've always had an odd bug about how i sleep in my head. i used to go to bed, way back when i was a little kid, and try to remember how i was laying when i feel asleep and then try to compare it to how i'd wake up the next morning.

never once actaully made the comparision..usually, i'd forget to 'remember' how i woke up.. and then, later in the day, i couldn't be sure of how i went to sleep or woke up.

anyway. going back.. to a time shortly after i arrived in stamford (about four years ago? wholey fuck is that right? perhaps it's only three) i hurt my back. pulled something.. strained something.. totally fucked something up. 'twas horrible. i know i wrote about it here.. anyway.. from that point to up to about three months ago i've had rather constant, but varying, amounts of back pain.

how i sleep matters. some nights, belly feels good. other nights, it's a back night. my back is fickle. i don't argue. it always wins.

now.. about three months ago, i was finally able to clear up my back pain - which meant i could choose to sleep how i wanted to. HOWEVER, in that time (perhaps it's only been two months, damn i'm bad with time sometimes) i've developed a new problem - the so called blinds my in my brother's house.

blinds are meant to stop light from entering - anything else is a sheer or a drape. i refuse to acknowledge any argument on this. he says he has blinds in all the windows.. but really they don't keep the light out. they are weird to describe.. basically they are white and translucent - you can't see through them, but the allow a good bit out light. they aren't those pointless frilly sheer things people seem to like.. and they arn't normal drapes - being that they go and down like blinds.

anyway. my point is.. i don't get to sleep in the dark evironment that i like. i'm always debating about hwat i can put over my eyes to block the light let in - things are complicated by a nearish street lamp.

so.. i really can't just sleep how i want.. i'm always worried about light and shit.

i hate waking up with tired eyes - which is what happens when i continually sleep in a place too bright.

on the other hand, i can sleep anywhere.. on a plane, air port terminal.. car.. any time of day if that's what's called for.

so.. my rather dull and boring point is this.. it's been years since i could sleep how i wanted to - how my personality dicates i should and this fucks with my head.

do i believe this? no.

i'm fucked up because, by and large, i make choices that make me seem fucked up.

i am the root of my own evil.

i just wish i could sleep in a dark room with no back pain. simple pleasures.. are the sweetest and easist to forget.

did i say something here about taking a vacation to seattle? i'm not. that's silly talk. that's.. pointless shit i tell people so it seems like i've got a plan that they can respect.

so what's my real plan? i'm not sure i have one.. at least not consciencly (i can never spell that write). i had a dream a bit ago that a certain someone sent me a present - something silly and stupid - but in that instant that i opened it, everything was good.

yeah, i'm some sort of mutant romatic with a quasi-pesimist twist.