"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." -- unknown

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - Albert Einstein

in reply, goals, honesty, and sleep
June 19, 2004 - 3:10 pm

1) funding, as much as possible, my retirement fund

2) being honest

3) stop playing games - mental games

4) pick a hobby.. and stick to it

5) lose weight

6) avoid manipulative people

7) avoid trying to manipulate people

8) actaully study for my classes in school

9) listen to what the little voices in my head say - they've called several things right long before i realized it myself

10) learn to focus

ten enough things to work on. most of those go together, so it's not really ten seperate things.

i go into this only because it led to help clarify some things in my head:

i find it funny.. in reply to my telling you to leave me alone.. you go into personal attacks on me - what you see my faults as how i'm going to end up later in life. that's all you can come up? personal attacks? i recal telling you to piss off - not making any comments about you as a person - save for passing on stories i don't think should be passed on..

so, let's review how things went down: i stop talking to you.. time goes by. you show up on my page and i tell you nicely there's no need to leave my notes - so nicely, in fact, that you totally misunderstood. they leave more notes.. i tell you pretty plainly that i'm not interested in talking to you at all. you go away, for awhile. you come back.. like a penny i can't get rid of.. so i'm wicked mean to them - and i get lambasted on their page.

personally, i think you should be cross with yourself. i told you twice before in much nicer ways i wasn't interested in talking with you.. afterall, if you want to be friends with someone, you should respect them.. right?

sure, in a way i deserve the harsh words and i'm fine with them. in fact, i read the page just to see what was said. i'm a curious fellow - both a fault and a virtue i think. the personal attack was pretty much what i expeccted. just a confirmation that i'm right in not wanting anything to do with you.

anyway. in reading the reply... i realized what a freaking idiot i'd been. hard to explain on here.. since this goes to things i've not talked about on here..

but.. excluding one relationship (which in my head is quite different from anything else i've tried in recent history), i've been seeking out.. manipulative affairs - for lack of a better term. something perhaps along the lines of co-dependent relationship.

hence the two goals above regarding manipulation.

i know the things i want. i shouldn't have to do a damn thing i don't want to. i like the term 'free will'. i don't like the term 'forced behavior'.

this is something else that's been bubbling in my subconscience for a while.. hence the thing about listening to the voices in my head.

i get myself into situations that might fit a short-term itch, but really.. i've no desire to have long-term.

i tell you what - it feels damn good to sort some things out.

it feels damn good to realize.. one reason why i feel so bad about myself is that i'm always trying to 'hang out' with people i shouldn't. in craving attention, i'm willing to subvert my will. if anything, i'm not the submissive one.

really though - want a relationship with someone that's on equal footing. i want to find my equal.. not someone better or worse than me.

i can't think of anything better - literally nothing - than being with my equal. the give and take in the relationship would be.. extraordinary.. to be on the same wavelength..

i suppose a better term than equal is soulmate. the person i just click with.

if i never find such a person, then at least i won't have settled.

i can't think of anything worse than comitting to a relationship i'm not 100% for.

so yeah, going back to other things, i'm going to be dick to some people - you deserve it. i'm going to bend over backwards for others - they deserve it.

i'm done with trying to pussyfoot and all that bullshit.

honesty is addictive - in a good way.

not to mention lies are a 'bad' thing - whether you believe in sin or karma - they are negitive. the worst are lies to yourself.

anyway, time for me to go and enjoy the silence as the two little girls sleep!