"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." -- unknown

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - Albert Einstein

a week in pondering
March 13, 2004 - 8:43 pm

the other day i went with jon to visit a friend of his. in my little mental life, i imagine i live in a place like this, with people like this.

i don't. i know that i'm not someone they would want to hang out with. i'm like that when i first meet people - usually very quite and reserved. i get pegged as either arrogant or just flat our boring.

in all honesty, i'm a mix of both. though once i'm comfortable in a situation, i can liven up.

i don't know what it is.. but i have my thoughts on the matter.

this leads me to another major topic of pondering - my friend back in erie, heather.

she and have i known each other since high school - dated on and off many times, but that was all years ago. when i moved back to edinboro we picked up our friendship sans the romance. i'd have to say in that time she was my only friend i was probably her best or second best friend.

i'm now in virginia and we only talk if i call her. i know it's long distance for her and i get free minutes on my cell phone.. so i'm ok that she doesn't call often. though all she has to do is call.. let it ring once or twice and hang up. i'll call her back, so it's free OR she could email me.

i'm wounded by this.. because she and i have known each other for so long.. and she is (was?) the only person from high school i'm still in touch with. we've done alot of things together.. had lots of talks and all that rot.

but.. it just seems i'm the only one who wants to continue things now that i'm not local to her. it seems she was my friend 'cause she didn't know anyone else to spend time with.

we both had this past week as spring break and since i'm apartment sitting, i called her to see if she wanted to come down. lot's of free beds. she sounded like she liked the idea and even asked if she could bring a friend of hers - i said sure. she said she's call me the next day and let me know..

six days have passed and no call, no email.

i didn't think she's come down.. but for fucks sake, i can't stand it when someone says they will do something and they don't do it.

to be honest, i can no longer imagine why i have a cell phone. no one, save my parents, calls me.

in fact...it seems to me that unless i reach out to someone, there's no one who wants to talk to me.

i can't think of a single time in the last ten years i've gotten a email or call out of the blue.

hell, for the last three years (well two and half i suppose) i basically begged one person to call me and she wouldn't.

i can't put my finger on what the deal is, i suppose that i'm just too close to the issue.

so, if you have a clue, enlighten me. i do hate to dwell on things incessantly.

i don't mean this to sound.. overly whiney. i'm just trying to get a handle on the nature of my personal life.

if you want whiney, i can digress into my romantic life..