"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." -- unknown

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - Albert Einstein

to be a puppet.
July 12, 2003 - 1:20 am

never a good thing to find oneself doing i know, but still... there i find myself.

it seems i'm trying to sort out just what it is i believe. that's pretty broad, so let me try to narrow it down..

each and everyone of us has some sort of baseline by which we decide what to do. to use a word i hate, a 'moral' compass.

i'm not talking about for generic day-to-day situations really, but how we decide what we preceive as the truly important things.. what is it that we hold near and dear.

looking at where i am now, how i got here.. how various events in my life and turned and how i find myself relating to the scant few people in my life.. i'm try to get to the nitty gritty of me.

i think i'm there.

not so long ago i'd have been curious if i liked me or not.

now.. i find that question moot, pointless to ask.

what i need to do now is strip away all the bullshit we as people tend to tack on to ourselves. i hate to say it, but i need to internalize who i am and then.. choices won't be so very vexing to make.

i won't have to fuck about between two or three things... struggling over why do i have the urge to do A, when i really 'think' i should do B and everyone else seems to think C is right.

that's not being who i am. choosing B is trying to be who i think i should be. choosing C is being who others think i should be.

i'm not sure which is worse.

it shouldn't matter at all if anyone else agrees with my choices. they arn't me and more importantly, i'm not them. they don't know what's in my head. whether their choice would lead to the better outcome or not is important to keep in mind.. but let's face it.

we need to live as ourselves.

to think. to act. be it right or wrong.

anything else.. is to be a puppet.