"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." -- unknown

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - Albert Einstein

i woke up angry
February 21, 2003 - 7:52 am

i wasn't going to go into it, though the first thought of it as something i should post in an attempt to 'type it out'. i thought nah, i shouldn't post this...she'll just thing i'm trying to be some sort of spiteful. then i thought... wait, it's my goddman page and if this is what i'm thinking..and it strikes me that i should post it - then i am.

i really shouldn't be concerned with how anyone else might take my page. you only know the words that come out on the screen.. you can only assume my motives, my reasonings for writing. anything you assume (no matter how self-evident it might be to you) is yours to deal with...and we all know how often assumeing (even 'self-evident' things) leads us to the wrong conclusion.

so, anyway..

a week ago.. i'm email you and IMing you with the intent to try and help.. and now i'm an unresponive person who clearly doesn't want to talk to you - show me. tell me how this is true.

back on the 12th or 13th i read your page about wanting to just pick up and go.. go anywhere. so i asked you why not, why you dont do that?

all this so far is via email..

you replied that you had too much going on here and just couldn't do it. so i asked what did you have going on.. it was something we'd sort of talked about over the last two years, but you'd never really went into any detial on what it was keeping you where you are.

you replied with a lengthy list of 9 things if my memory serves. on the 14th to that i replied in detail.. in fact one of the issues that caused your unhappiness struck such a cord with me... that in my reply i asked you to call me and that i was serious about sending you the cash to help take care of that..

we talked in IMs and i was pretty adamant that i should. it's not a ton of cash, a hundered bucks so that you take a trip and do something that i really feel you should do. a cause that goes past any sort of issues you and i may be having.. anyways, i posted about this not to long ago here.

i still say it would have been the right thing for me to do.

what's my point of all this? why am i so angry?

how the fuck can you accuse me of not caring or not being respsonsive.. after that?

i mean really? just a few short days after i'm offerig to try and help you do something... an offer you didn't ask for. an offer that was totally out of the blue and had no strings what so ever attached?

in my email i didn't once, not ONCE, go into that you should come here. that whole email was geared around what you saw as problems.. and why i thought they might not be the problems you thought they were...

hell, in the IM chat you said i sounded like someone else you've been talking to of such things.

i understand that my offer didn't go over well.. and as adamant as i was, i didn't follow through and I did apologize.

two years... and the thing that 'breaks the camel's back' is my IM/email behavior? give me a fucking break. that's total bullshit. sorry, but it is. give me twenty minutes and i can probably come up with twenty things i've done that would be 'fitting' of ending a relationship.

when didn't i reply to an email? when did i miss an IM chat (if i didn't reply to one of these.. then i wasn't home. we've certainly had short chats (perhaps my memory is bad did we have one of these recently?) where one or the other of us was busy or not in the mood to talk. that can't be a reason to just post on your page that it's over or if it is the reason, that's a whole new ball of wax.)

like i said, it just pisses me off to no end to be accused of something i didn't do. or, if i did tell me when...show me and there will be an apology here.

but right now, i'm trying desperately desperatly to remember why i ever considered you a friend.

right now...i'm thinking you're just manufactoring some bullshit reason for something i didn't do to say you don't want to talk anymore.

that's fine - the not talking part. that's your choice.

like i've said to you, i just object to phoney 'logic' that pushes puts all the 'blame' on me. that your not wanting to talk is my fault for not being responsive enough to you.

that's total and utter bullshit.

say i'm an asshole. say you just don't like me anymore. say that you just don't see any sort of 'value' in talking to me.

say what you really think, be honest.