"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." -- unknown

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - Albert Einstein

truly annoyed...very much near pissed.
December 09, 2002 - 8:13 pm

i decided to go out on a limb and tell my parents that yet again i'm going to go for my mba. granted, this is probably the third time in four years that i've said it...so some skeptisim on whether i'll actually do it is fine.

i sent my 'rents this long ass email, a good six paragraphs outlining the schools, the length of programs, etc.. i tell them i've already been accepted to one school, but that i'm applying to a total of three (small lie i'm only applying to two). i think that another school will accpet me (the other school i'm applying to). that i've already received the financial aid award letter and i'm good with loans..the only question being how i will continue to make payments on my car and that i'm going to meet with some loan people this week and get that sorted out.

long as email, lots of detail...all the relevant information. go me. my family is distant, doesn't really communicate... i say we are strangers related by blood, but i'm trying at this. i'm putting out the effort to include them in what i'm doing and why.

her reply is two sentences. TWO. the first one i like. the second one has me all pissed.

she said: "Well it sounds like you're planning things out which is good." i like that, shows a bit of doubt, which i fully deserve, but it's generally positive.

She finishes with: "Do you think you'll be able to get a job when you get done?"

WHAT THE FUCK? No. No mom I don't. See my plan is to quit my job (which pays shit), get another 20K or so into debt, never ever get another job, become an alcoholic/druggie bum, live in cardboard motherfucking box and wear a very stylish tinfoil hat to protect my brain from aliens and ever never pay a goddamn dime of the money back. you got me, that's my master plan. i want to get my mba so i can't work again. i'm a devious son-of-a-bitch arn't i? usually people get a masters degreee to try and better their life's situation, but you pegged me..i want mine to totally screw my life.

did i mention i'm angry?

i didn't reply. i really, really wanted too.

i didn't. they are strangers to me. related by blood and the obligation to send gifts at on christianized pagan holidays.

there will be no more emails to them about what i'm planning to do. they can find out when i change my address and the prsent they sent gets returned. nah, i'm not like that. they will find out when i decide which school i'm going to. it will be a short, terse email with the basic facts.

"Do you think you'll get a job when you get done?"

two words: fuck you.

i emailed the same basic message to brother three days ago. he hasn't replied yet. granted he's in the carolinas, so he might not have power. if he gives me shit, i will tell him to go to hell. i don't feel any sort of 'boundry' would be broken if i did that. it just seems wrong to say that to my parents. perhaps i need to break that taboo.

yet again, let me reiterate what i want:

1) I want a true friend, someone I can tell anything too and not feel that I'm going to be judged.

2) I want some support. I want to feel that what I decide to do will be supported, be it smart or stupid...it's my choice and if you can help, help..if you can't help then say something nice or show me what I did wrong. Be constructive. I'm quite adept at tearing myself down, I don't need your help there.

1 + 2 = me being happy. me being happy is the goal.

i would say: "i hate my family", but hate is over used and has lost alot of meaning. so let me use loath.

i loath the interpersonal communications my blood strangers and i have.