"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." -- unknown

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - Albert Einstein

just some sunday ramblings
November 24, 2002 - 10:24 pm

i confided something to the person who is the closest thing to a true friend i have. i'm not sure exactly what we are. i like to think we are friends. i think i might be more of a conveince for her, since i'm hardly ever busy and therefore a safe person for her to ask to do something. she hates to be alone.

i'm not exactly sure how that sits with me. the idea of her using me just for company and not out of truly liking me. i choose not to explore the issue to deeply. i've learned to try and avoid questions i might not like the answer too.

though i think, it's a bit of both.

i'm a hard person to get to know. i'm a private person. i truly dislike it when people at work try to pry into my life. i hate being asked how was my weekend or what did i do the night before. if there's something i want to share, i will bring it up. i'm kinda of cagey that way i guess.

i wear a lot of masks. we all do. i know this. it's human nature to wear them. most people don't even notice they are wearing them. we are trained to from an early age. we are taught to fit in, to say nice things regardless what we really think. we are taught not to rock the boat and how to enjoy the illusion (perhaps it's really delusion) of freedom.

we aren't free. we simply have a nice cage. well nicer than the alternatives. it's still a cage.

my friend recommended a book to me. i think i'm going to like it. it's called 'ishmael' written by daniel quinn. i won't tell you what it's about. go read it if you wish.

i didn't write my essays today. i was supposed to. essays for my first choice mba school. i was getting set to start writing them when she called and wanted me to come up. she as feeling lonely. ever the one to find an excuse not to do something, i went up. nine hours later i'm home.

the steelers won. this makes me happy. i saw the new james bond movie. it was insulting. i'm done with james bond movies unless they are reruns of the good ones. i wanted to get up and walk out at the very opening scene. i almost did during the opening credits.

i didn't explain all my choice is that one entry. i didn't go into detail on all the things i'm weighing in my mind. i think in it's own way 'ishmael' is going to help me sort it out.

i'm not sure if that's good or not.

did i say this earlier? i'm not sure. i confided in my friend something that only she now knows..well, knows of people i've met in person. i wanted to talk to her about it more, but i don't think she was interested.

i could see myself becoming obbessed with the idea of having someone to talk to. typing words is one thing, but it's not enough. when i type things out, things only go the way i want to them to. in a real live converstation i never quite know what someone is going to ask..what point someone will want to drill down on. you need real explanations...real understanding of your thoughts in a live conversation.

i have an idea for a new story. it's all part of this 'cusp' deal. i'm going to lay in my bed and think it through. i do that often. i've had some really good ideas for short stories. at least i like them. no one much seems to like the stories i actaully write out. i'm pretty much ok with that.

most of all though, i'm tired. that's how i feel. tired.

it's all about perspective. it really is. i almost when into things, really into things with her as we sat in borders killing some time waiting for the movie to start.

we were talking about starting exercise programs. rather she was talking about this book that had a journal dealie to record your work outs and what you ate. she decided it was really nice, but too structured for her. i started to tell her i'd go to the gym, but it really doesn't matter.

to her it does. that's her point of view. to me it doesn't. that's mine.

instead i went off on a tangent about how i'd go but i really just don't like using the machines and weights. that's true. i'm much rather go and swim or play racquetball. i just don't get any good feeling from simply lifting. i dunno why.

whether i liked it or not if i thought it mattered, i'd go do it.

i'm annoyed about the whole essay thing. of course i knew i wasn't going to do them as soon as she asked me to go. i could have said i had to write the essays and she'd have insisted i'd stay home. i didn't bring it up.

i'm not going to be home the next week and they have to be in by dec 1st. so, i'd have to fedex em by this friday, which isn't happening. perhaps i'll write them next weekend and send em in monday for tuesday and see what happens.

oh, current events. did you hear the new punishment that happens in south african jails? i dont mean offical punishment, but gang punishment. it's called a 'slow puncture'. basically the poor bastard whose to suffer the punishment get's raped by inmate(s) who are HIV postive. how fucked up is that? you piss of some gang guy or whatever..and instead of just killing you, you get raped (sometimes by one and sometimes by more than one) and get HIV...to die a long slow death.

yeah, you and me..and every other human are related to these people.

of course we are related to the jackass folk too.

i find it hard to believe anyone truly thinks we are the smartest animals on the planet.