"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." -- unknown

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - Albert Einstein

time to choose...
April 04, 2002 - 8:57 pm

i'm really in a mood to talk about what i'm going to do tomorrow. i wasn't so much earlier, but now i'd really like to talk and figure this out. the problem is that no one really knows all the details. no one is really in my life. that comes with being a semi-hermit i guess.

i know that no one can decide for me and i'm not looking for that. i like the idea of bouncing things off of people and having them play devil's advocate. i know what i'd like to do, but the question is what should i do. are they the same thing or different things?

in my interview i was asked what are three 'negative traits' or something like that. i hate those kinds of questions. one thing i said i tend to over analyze things. that's exactly waht i'm doing now. is the best way to get around to do what feels right now and let the chips fall where they may...or to think and truly decide what's the best course?

i think i might have to go with do the right thing now. it's quicker. it's easier. there's no way to know what's the best way until you do it. there's no way to know how things will go. i've spent countless nights throughout my life figuring all the angles to something. i've had millions of conversations in my head with people. i can probably count on my fingers the number of times i've been right. i put too much of myself into the people i mentally simulate with. it throughs things off.

we've had some 'tough' type talks in my office about where we stand and what needs to be done. what we need to do...just isn't something i want to do. i've been semi-open about that. after a group announcement that no one liked regarding financial reviews for this year, we had a round of one-on-one talks. i was asked point blank what i thought and if my resume was out. i can honestly i say i do understand what needs to be done and why things are happening. i lied and said my resume wasn't out. it didn't seem a purdent thing to disclose. it's drilled into my head, if you're going to switch jobs have a new job lined up for sure before you do.

i think i'm really torn between putting my notice in and just saying that my resume is out. i think the resume thing might just be the wimps way out, but it also has an appeal that nothing is final. my notice is definitely a can't come back kinda deal...a point of no return. then again, what would i want to come back too?

quite the knot i can work myself into.

i don't think it's really a knot though. if i do my best to step back and be objective...i've given advice on this kinda situation before. i've always said, if you're miserable...then get out. what good does it do you to stay miserable? if you get out atleast you can stumble towards something that will hopefully be better.