"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." -- unknown

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - Albert Einstein

i'm a tool.
Feb 23, 2002 - 3:27 pm

as i predicted to myself the choice is made and dispite the massive amounts of time i've spent researching...it came down to an impulse purchase.

i'm not even sure i like the color combination.

it was weird, well not weird cause it happens quite often to me and i knew exactly what was going on. i was sitting talking to the chevy guy about the options of buying my current car. see, i realized today i do like my blazer. i like how high i sit. i like that the engine is quiet. i like that it has temp/compass. i like that i can carry lots of things...even though i don't carry much. it made no sense to buy the thing though, so i asked for a price quote on the malibu. it came out as just above what i pay for my current car...and there was like a change.

i mean he said the numbers and at first i said to myself, let's go look at the saturn again and save some cash. then there was a pause in my internal chatting...and i was asking the salesguy what options that pricing had and if he had any in stock. next i'm out looking at the car and in it for a test drive. to me, all cars drive the same...but well the jetta turbo was different, but that's a turbo type car. all the 'normal' type cars are the same really. i knew at the pause though that this was the car i'm getting. no real debate. no love of the car. no desire to have it. it was just...i'm here. i can live with, but don't like, the numbers...fuck it. get the car.

the test drive didn't even matter.

he said i could pick it up anytime this coming week. i said why not today? he said ok, give me two hours. so i left for 2 hours. cleaned out the blazer already lamenting my choice, but knowing i wouldn't change it.

i feel sad. i already miss my blazer. i already don't really like my malibu. there's no logic to what i did. there's no reasoning to why. i called and told my parents i was 'thinking' about the malibu. my dad asked the price per month and then said 'you didn't do very well did you?' after that, it was all 'if you're happy we are happy'.

he's right though. i didn't do very well. i didn't do very well at all.

as i sit here...i dread monday morning and going to work. having to explain the whole thing...talk about my car this and that. i have no desire to go and that's before i consider the actual work day.

it's not a horrid car or anything like that. it's perfectly fine transportation car. of course, if what i wanted was pure transportation...i'd have the saturn or even a cavalier and save cash...i have some fucked up hybrid. no not even that cause it costs more. i didn't save any money and just impulsivly bought a car.

i'm done with observations of others and the world at large. i'm nothing short of being a tool. i fully realize i'm as fucked up, if not more so, than anyone else.

i don't live life. i fuck it up.

just like i said the last time. the whole car thing is nothing more than a metaphor for everything else in my life.