"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." -- unknown

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - Albert Einstein

how fucking pathetic?
Feb 16, 2001 - 9:36 am

i wish

i was

like you

easily amused

*************

i read the following in a diary:

'i sold out. temporarily anyway...i still feel like i'm giving up on ideals and dreams just to have money and stability and be looked at as having 'something acceptable.' and i can't tell you how very sad i am to find out that acceptable means life-sucking. i feel about a hundred years old tonight and i've only had one full day of this joy.'

i think that's me. i must have sold out and not even realized it. i didn't know i had actaul dreams and ideals, but damn if every day i go to work just makes me think i'm definitly one day closer to death. i sit at my desk and think, i shouldn't be here. sure i can grasp the odd business concept, but it's boring. sure i can get excited about something at work, but when your normal state is bored-to-near-tears, you look for anything to get excited about. you look for any reason to give some sort validity to what your doing.

i need to somehow reinvent msyelf, as they say. no, not reinvent, just invent for the first time. i have this annoying nagging knowledge that i should have been something else, but nothing sees fit to tell me what it is..to tell me what i missed, where i choose unwisely.

i really am tempted to shave my head, toss gasoline around my apartment, burn everything and just disappear. take all the cash i have in the bank, get the max cash advances i can on all my credit cards...and take off in my soon to no longer be my car. i need none of the things i own, but cloths.

i don't need the new tv i have. i don't need my 200+ cds. i don't need this pc. i don't need any sort of furniture. i don't need the bookcase full of books or my toaster oven or my microwave. i need none of these things...it's here, in this life that i'm expected to have them, so i do.

that's me in a nutshell i guess. i have the things i have and i do the things i do...cause that's what i'm expected to do. i'm so totally sold-out that i don't even recall, if i ever knew, what it is i want to do.

you know what i'm going to do now? that's right...go test drive some fucking cars cause i'm going to need a new one soon.

how fucking pathetic am i?