"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." -- unknown

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - Albert Einstein

i am bored
January 16, 2002 - 10:29 pm

that's not true. i can't say that with full honesty.

i don't know if it's that i've never been so bored or if i've never let myself realize how bored i am.

as a sort of validation on how bored i am...i actaully put quite a bit of thought into that.

i'm a gemini. i've never put all that much stock into astrology, unless of course it somehow was favorable for me to do so. gemini's, i'm told, have short attention spans. we like to know a lot about a little. it's hard for us to focus on any one thing.

i know it's a real force of will for me to do so. take this, i emailed my resume to over 50 jobs in the past week. these arn't all in any field or even related by anything other than they are internet job postings. each time i read an ad and said 'hey, i like the sound of this. i really might like this!'

anyway, i'm losing my focus now. i want to go off on some tangent. i feel this urge to ramble off about the two hours of tv (ed and west wing) that i just watched. there's something about ed that really depresses me.

see, there i go right as i'm saying i need to focus. it's just...how my mind works. mostly i'm cool with that or at least i'm used to it. afterall, i've lived with me for 25 years.

i've totally lost my orginal intent.

what makes me worse, i'm not sure if worse is the right word, is that when i do find something that does manage to capture my mind...and i focus on it and i drive towards it...whatever it is...and i don't get to it...it's like it step back and say, 'goddamn, i really wanted that and i didn't get it. i focused and i failed. why did i try to focus at all?'

for like a month, i kept saying to myself i wanted a new picture for my apartment. i wanted a picture from that movie seven monkeys where brad pitt plays a crazy guy...i have this mental image of crazy brad tapping his temples and saying 'focus!' i have no idea if it's actually in the movie or not, it's in my head. i think i'd really like that picture anyway. remember that eagle story? well some of you might. i noticed the other day that the bottem of the picture that inspired that story says in big ass letters 'FOCUS'. it's one of this insprational pictures that go up in offices. i've no idea what the smaller words say. i don't want to know. i like the big words. i like the focus.

i have no focus. no real life goal focus. sure there's been things i've decided i wanted. things i've decided i would do. things i was able to gear my towards toward with a singular intentsive effort. i feel good when i achieve or grasp that thing. i become quite dispondent when i don't.

i wonder what things i could have done with my life if had had just a tad better ability to focus my mind. to keep my eye on the ball...and all those other silly sayings.

my attention span is short. it seems all the shorter the more i realize how much i really want a focus. it's like i've become desperate for something, anything...that i've no hope of actaully focusing on anything. i'm to busy trying to keep my eyes open...

i'm not even sure this makes sense to me, let alone to you.

my original idea was just to post like the first five or six sentences.

i really didn't like ed tonight. for whatever reason, ed makes me think of the very worst in people and, at the same time, all the things i wish i had, but don't.

i like west wing. they have jobs that matter. people who teach have jobs that matter. police have jobs that matter. counslers have jobs that matter. people at the red cross have jobs that matter. doctors do something that matter. nurses...

see, these people, more often than not, have actually made the effort and dedicated themselves to something. some hardly get paid enough to make the effort worthwhile. then there's sports players. they piss me off. millions of dollars for what, let's say a five year career in the pros and then...if they have half an eye toward the future, they don't have to do a damn thing. why? cause they can run or hit a ball or throw a ball or skate...it's the same as gladiators. for the romans they killed each other, for us they play 'civilized' games but it's all the same.

i can think of no finer or more self-evident point it my belief that we are not anywhere near as civilized and sophisticated as we think we are. we are still barbarians...just with cooler gadgets and an inflated sense of importance.

look where i went...i started off with i want a focus..and i want to do something that matters and i end up condeming the whole species.

i told you i was bored.