"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." -- unknown

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - Albert Einstein

what everyone says...
December 25, 2001 - 6:58 pm

now, as i'm sure you can imagine (if you only dared to let your mind go there) alot of things that could be called 'odd' or perhaps 'unsightly' happen in my shower. this, however, was different. i had a good talk with myself. not so much a discussion, but talk where i spoke and i listened.

did you ever notice that people don't really listen? they tend to just wait thier turn to speak and blurt out whatever comes out.

my, this chicken i made is spicy! whoo!!

sorry.

i was saying, i had a longish chat with myself. it's good for me to verblaize things. it helps the thoughts form clearly in my head and i can understand what i want to say better. i think i'm crazy too, but i'm getting to that. in all honesty i think i qualify, on pretty much anyone's scale, as severly/moderatly depressed person. i think i have just a hint of manic tossed in for flavor.

now, being depressed is like a taboo thing that alot of people are ashamed of. i'm not sure why, but it's probably because most people don't really understand it's the a cold. you get a cold, you have no idea how and nothing you can do will get rid of it. it goes away on it's own OR it leads to something else that really is nasty. it's not an exact analogy (oh how i love analogies) but it's close enough. you can't just get rid of a cold anymore than you can depression is my main point.

though a tad spicy, this chicken really is good. i'm impressed with me.

i'm not quite there, but i actaully got myself over the hump to consider, consider mind you, gettin' some kinda professional help.

see, i talked to myself and realized i spend a great deal of my energies making sure i behave within the confines of 'normal'. i'm unhappy cause all my time and energy is directed towards making everyone think i'm a happy camper when i'm not. i put on a act every damn day of my life. it's draining. it makes it hard for me to focus and do the things i want to do. it's hard to allocate resources when the vast majority of them are centered on something that i've considered so vital for...well for really as long as i can remember.

there's alot more to this story, but sorry that's all of that you get.

i didn't get a present from my brother/wife. i'm a bit upset about that. i don't think they got me anything. he's not a last minute kinda guy. i spent time worrying about that and i guess i shouldn't have.

i've watched a fair amount of movies and tv shows that deal with people finding themselves lately. i think that led to my shower talk.

goddamn it. i want either a better music player that doesn't hiccup or a better system. i guess i need more ram. i should learn linux and free up so many system resources. perhaps, perhaps, perhaps...

of course, i realize..i've said all this before. how many times have i promised myself i'd do this or act this way...or whatever. i can't count that high and i'd rather not try.

hrm, i think i need to do something drastic. something the 'normal' me wouldn't do. i think i need to free the me inside and fuck the rest.

that's what everyone says to do. that's how everyone says you get to be happy.