"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." -- unknown

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - Albert Einstein

reflections
2001-12-16 - 10:38 am

i didn't have to think to long to realize it's a really, really short list and getting shorter all the time. i could go back to be begining and explain the various people i've posted about, but that sounded like a lot of work. as for a current cast...well, it's pretty much me and i guess people at work. of them, just jeff get's named. he's my boss. i kinda like jeff, but he's one of those overly friendly types who likes to know what everyone does outside of work. not that this is bad, but it's tiring having to play or misdirect the conversation when he asks me. most poeple figure out pretty quick that either A) i don't like to talk about my non-work life or B) i have no life. either way, the stop asking.

up until rather recently there was aprilly, but have, for about the fourth or fifth time, stopped talking. there was E, but she got herself a man and is therefore spending less time on here than before. i call her E because we first started talkin' on a local irc channel and she would get made when forgot the 'e' at the end of her name. so i took to callin' her E so i'd be sure never to forget it. there's not really to many other people i've talked about recently.

all this got me thinking about myself and past relationships. i realize that i have issues. everyone does, but it's important i think to know what yours are, what issues matter to yourself. i did a pet peeve page a long, long time ago. i should probably go back and find that and add or subtract from it...i'm sort of curious what i listed then and what i'd list now.

i think my biggest problem is trust. this goes way back to the first person i ever dated/slept with. she told me she loved me and i totally bought into that. six months after she told me that (more than once) she told me she wanted to date/see other people. that really rocked my world. i guess i have very set ideas on what love is or what it means to say you love someone. it's not something i say lightly or often, no in fact i say it extremly rarely. i've only told one person i loved them and we were talkin' about getting married.

all through relationships i've had, i can pick things that were said or done that i banked on, that i put faith in and that turned out to be misplaced. each time just makes me more cynical. each time just makes it all the harder for be to open and serious with someone new.

most recently, it was with aprilly. perhaps a week ago today (i think, i'm horrible with time sometimes) we 'the talk'. the talk we've had five times or so before...about her and i and what we want, where we want our relationship to be. only out of sheer frustration have i ever said anything other than i want her and i to work, for us to try. fuck the small unimportant things that we disagree on and look at the bigger more important things we do agree on and let's enjoy ourselves. to her, those small unimportant things arn't so small or unimportant i guess. she waffles alot on what she though of us. on that day a week ago, she said something along the lines of 'yes, i want us to work, let's go for it!' and so we did. we went out that weekend, just saw a movie, had dinner..walked around a bit. nothing earth shattering, but it was nice. i know i wrote about that then. she had family coming up the next day..and so we didn't really talk for three or four days. the next time we really spoke, it was like the complete reverse. it was trainwreck of a conversation. i don't think she meant that she wanted us to work at all. i'm just left with the idea that she got herself all tangled up in a web of words and said the easiest thing she could that night. or that she spoke lightly, without considering what the weight of her words really meant.

either way, our rollercoaster of a 'relationship' lasted what...10 months? 11? i think back to all the things she said and that i said and the actions...the gifts sent, emails sent..the words spoken...and i'm left with the distinct impression that there's not one thing she said i can trust, that i can believe she really meant for more than the space of time it took her to compose and speak the words.

i don't think i ask for much. i want to be accepted for who i am, who doesn't? i want to be able to trust, to rely on someone. i want to know that someone really cares for me. of course there's more to it than that, but i want a good foundation to work from.

i think it's really astounding the depths to which a person can reach when lonely.