"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." -- unknown

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - Albert Einstein

old time introspective kinda entry
2001-12-07 - 9:38 pm

sorry, kind of in a song kinda mood. i'll try and contain that.

i'm of two minds, but that's hardly unusual. i think though..i'm in full agreement with myself when i say i need to stop caring what others thing and just do what i want. it seems to be the way everyone else gets around.

everyone else seems to enjoy themselves just marching along to the music that beats inside their head. that's how i want to be. i lay awake at night and say to myself if i could only be that like...

i'm not sure how to do it. i guess you just do it. that there isn't any real thinking involved. it's though cause a friend of mine back in college used to date this rather smart girl who studied pysch and i asked her more than once what she thought of me. you know, if i had any mental defects that she'd care to tell me about. she always declined to answer till one day she said 'honestly, i think you're a pretty sane person with an impulse control disorder.' i can agree with the last part. i mean sometimes i just get urges to do things, to buy things...that it's like what the fuck were you thinking? i have to really, really watch myself when i want to buy anything. i think i've grown into some social disorders...socially dysfunctional i guess, semi-hermatic (is that a word? it is now, deal). i mean on the eight days i was in town on my vacation..the only face to face converastions i has ordering food and gettin' my eyes checked. i just don't meet people. granted i don't really go places to meet people, but where should one go? i'm not talking about finding love, i think that just happens. but i mean to find people. where did you find your best friend? i guess you just find them too. well damn it, it's time the found me.

perhaps i should take a train tour of the world and see who i see. i like trains. i like the gentle rock of the cars. the noise of the train. the fact that you can walk around while travling at high rate of speed. i like alot of things about trains.

like i was saying before, i think i agree with myself about needing to care less about others opinions.

i tend to take a surreal look at the world when i step back and look. i'd have to say at least 9 out of 10 days a week i think life is one big ass absurd surreal joke of some sort. i'm almost curious about the punchline. i really get pulled into all the silly little things people blow up into massivly important things. of course to me they are silly and minor...molehills if you will.

i think i like me when i'm introspective. of course i like me best when i'm not introspective about me. i have alot imperfections. i spend alot of time trying to be the normal guy, but that just makes the boring guy. it's not who i am. then again, perhaps it is who i am and i'm really just...i dunno perhaps i really just am a person who doesn't like who i am.

i have alot of songs. i need to burn cds.

i think i'll drink some tonight. i've earned it.