"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." -- unknown

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - Albert Einstein

are we havin' fun yet?
2001-10-13 - 9:38 p.m.

have i ever mentioned that people bother me? just kidding, i know i have. more and more people in general are getting on my nerves. it really does astound me that people always opt to take the most simplistic view of things. i'm sick and tired of getting anti-arab jokes from people. i'm sick and tired of getting jokes that berate people from afganistan. hating islamic people because of bin laden is like hating christians cause of mcveigh. the analogy isn't exact, but it's close enough. hating arabs is like hating people from whatever state mcveigh was from. get your head out of your ass and realize who you hate. don't forget to attempt, yes i know it's a bizarre concept, to understand why people hate the united states. i know it's hard for people to try and actaully understand what's what when it's so much easier to just say 'i hate X' and take comfort that your friends arn't any more interested in what's really going on that you are.

enough of that. perhaps americans really are that simplistic and arrogant. perhaps we really have no concept of the rest of the world and no desire to understand it. it just depresses me and i don't need more of that.

i actaully went out for awhile tonight. i walked around town for a bit, stopped in at a bar for a bit. i'm not sure why i even bother. no one ever talks to me and i don't end up talking to anyone. i don't think i have the engery to really make a change in my life. i didn't go to the interview friday. i didn't even call to say i wouldn't go. it was just so much easier not to go and to show up at work like normal. ironic and hypocritial isn't it that just a few moments ago i'm berating a whole country for being to lazy and here i am lamenting the fact that i'm lazy. perhaps lazy isn't the right word. i dunno it just seemed so overwhelming. going through an interview and being personable and presentable just seemed...like far too much effort to get another job that no doubt i'd hate too.

this is how i remind me of what i really am. it's not like me to say sorry. i was thinkin' of a different story.

it's writing here that i get to hold myself accountable for things. i can rationalize things better than anyone in my head and left with no source of fact to compare too. but then, holding myself accountable and pointing out my failures, flaws and hypocritical tendencies doesn't do much to make me feel good. i'm not to sure the last time i had a fun night. i can't think of the last time i just hung out with someone for a night and didn't give a shit what we said or did...all that mattered was that we were there.

i don't think i like weekends anymore. there's so much empty time. atleast during the work week, nine hours are taken up. i hate this trying to find something to interest me crap. i saw a show today call hyperspace, actaully one of several shows that i think TLC was running, perhaps it was Discovery. they were talking about black holes and how they can destroy anything. i want to know what black holes do with all the matter they suck in.

i've really said all this before. i'm just disatisfied and disillusioned. i'm a broken record. i'm a squeaky wheel. so where's my fucking grease?