"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." -- unknown

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - Albert Einstein

prattling
2001-08-30 - 5:11 p.m.

i am fickle. i told one of my vendors that today. by the power of greyskull i am fickle (or was it grayscull? you know what i mean.). i am often amazed at my fickleness. it's really hard for me to know what i want in any given situation. usually i have to consistently want something for a long time before i know i really, really want it. on the snap, i know i want lots of things...sort of like that guy in circuit city commercials. you know the one where he and his wife walk into the store after she tells him this needs to be a quick stop and give that little moanie like noise and tears off into the store driven by a massive rush of male-must-buy-gadget-hormones. i get like that in stores too, but i won't buy anything in that state or i say i won't anyway. it's when i think for months that i could really use X or i really want X that i'll start to consider it.

what am i rambling about? I have no idea. i've decided i don't want to prattle on about that anymore. didn't i say i'm fickle?

i'm not sure at all what i'm going to do on the work front. i like jeff, my new boss, but i really really could do without the shit of my job. i don't think i really want to be a manager anymore. i realized today i would have to put up with, in a politically correct way, the people who are in my office. i don't think i want to do that.

i'm the kinda guy who lets things build and build and build and then i snap. i'll just go off over some stupid little thing. my basic point over the issue will be right, but it's just all out of proportion. it happens once about once a month at work, though i think it is happening more often recently. it's hard to judge. it's sort of a running joke in the office. i'm all calm and quiet sitting in my corner and all the sudden i'll slam the desk drawer closed and start muttering about something. i'll fume over some small thing. oh well, that's how i am. the odd thing is once it's over, no matter what it was about, i'm done. i'm not a lingering grudge filled kind of person. i'm the i'm over the edge and pissed, but once i blow my top it's all better kind of person.

i'm not really sure about anything, but am i ever? my personal life is no better than my work life. i blewup not to long ago in that arena. though this was a much, much bigger blow up than i get at work. it was out of simple frustration i think. i want a relationship that is going to be something positive in my life. i just can't deal with or accept unneeded stress in that department. i think i'm pretty clear in what i want and expect. probably not though. things probably only make sense to me, but i guess that's ok. i'm the one they need to make sense to the most.

one of the guys in my office pulled up this scary ass website today. it's called: www.classmastes.com. it's freaky. it's like a database thingie that people 'sign' up for. you put in your name, where you went to school and when you graduated...and then you get to see all the poeple in your class that have also joined. it scared me greatly. i couldn't believe all these people had filled out the form. it was distrubing.

i think i'm supposed to go out tonight, but i'm not going to.