"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." -- unknown

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - Albert Einstein

all fired up.
2001-08-30 - 8:22 p.m.

i said just a short time ago that i was supposed to go out and i was going to beg off, but at the last second i didn't. i went out to grab a bite to eat with jeff, my new boss, and then we were going to head up out to some bars/nightclubs and meet up with another guy from the office. pretty much a 'hang out with the new guy (who happens to be our boss) and show him places to go and all that junk. anyway, i go over to where jeff is staying and he says in a very casual way as we leave the hotel, 'we let bill go today'.

it really didn't register at first what he said. to be honest i was confused and thought i had misheard him. as a company that lives off the technology market (well in part anyway) we are having a 'rough time'. however my location is not. we are at plan on all the key factors but one and it seems that one has claimed a 'layoff'. to be honest, i'm still a bit confused on that, but i won't go into that much..since it is the reality of the situation.

what fires me up isn't that someone from my office is gone. personally, i think it was a good choice and i do understand the basic reasoning. i don't like the way in which it happened. i don't like that up to now we've been mislead that stamford was as safe a place in the company as any. i mean we are over plan on a lot of important things and there are several locations that are really, really sucking wind. i don't know if people in other locations are suffering the same fate or not.

i'm fired up because the company i joined isn't really the company i joined. i admit now that it seems i drank the coolaid, so to speak, and bought into alot of the 'we arn't a typical huge company. we are a family company who happens to be in the fortune 500.' i guess i was a fool for falling for that. i'm annoyed at myself for really expecting that sort of culture. it was more like a family atmosphere when i joined. now it's not, no not at all. i get the chilly feeling i'm part of a huge machine where humans do what the numbers computers spit out tell them to do. i guess i'm really apart of corporate america. i don't want to be. i suddenly feel that betrayed. i feel that i've been lied to every day of the two years i've been here. that's my fault, i chose to believe the hype. i'm still annoyed.

on an unrelated front....what's the deal with people who say they want something and yet don't try to get it? what's the point of saying i want this, but then never ever moving towards it? how can you identify a goal, a desire and then NOT do anything to get it? what the fuck was the point of saying i want this? why do you waste the breath saying i want you? or i want this? does it make you feel good to say this is what i want and then not get it? do you like the feeling of self pity you get when you get to consol yourself that really wanted it, but it just didn't work out? is wallowing in the mud pit of self pity so much fun that you need to create situations so you can dive in? doesn't life give us enough chances to wallow without us making our own? how can you feel bad when you didn't try every single thing you could think of to get what you wanted? how can you dare to say 'i really wanted this', but in reality you never ever took a risk to a chance to get it?

i am fired up. i am annoyed. i am frustrated. i do not have the things i want. i have tried everything i can think of to get there. there's nothing left. if you try and fail and try and fail...you need to find a new goal. i'm all for determination and stubborness, but after a time...you really have to step back and say 'is this goal really worth the effort?' is mashing my head against this wall really worth the reward? at some point the answer is no, it has to be. of course, if a new path opens up or you have a new idea...then i'm all for bellowing a battle cry and setting off on this new tact.

people who say they want things, but then just wallow around get to me. perahps it's because i've done alot of that myself. perhaps i see those people and realize that is something in me that i hate. i really am a hypocrite at about this, i know that. i'm dealing with that as best i can and doing what i can think of to change.

i'm off my original topic. tomorrow should be interesting. right now i'm the only person who knows. they canned him tonight, after work...asked him to say late to 'talk'. jeff told me tonight so i can help do some damage control. i'm totally blown away by the reputation i seem to have in the office and i guess by that the company. i always thought people telling me i was an 'a' player was just blowing smoke up my ass...but i dunno. to think that jeff was serious that he was going to need my help to give this a positive a spin as possible...what the fuck am in going to do? i'm not into putting on the rosey glasses and spinning. i like the straight scope. i like this is how it is, take it or leave it. person X had to go, it's not you...let's pick up his accounts sell some material and go on our merry way. he wasn't any big loss to the office, quite frankly..he was a complainer. the sort of person who when something goes wrong says, 'it's not my fault, so-and-so didn't do this or that.' i'm cool with bellyaching and bitching, but do it after you fix the goddamn problem. don't throw your arms up and rant and rave while the boat is leaking. grab some wood or sealant or whatever and fix the freaking hole...THEN go off about what happened.

did i ever mention i really dislike people who bully thier way through things? i do. that's a pet peeve. you know the guy at the hotel front desk who is just berating some poor clerk about something the clerk had nothing to do with? the guy whose room wasn't cleaned while he was out and now wants a free stay. what the fuck is the deal with that? you get some clean towels (do you use a clean towel every day at home? do you change your sheets everyday at home? do you vaccum everyday at home?) and go on your way. sure you let them know it wasn't done, but why freak out on some poor minimum wage front desk clerk about it? that's just another example of people thinking the deserve shit they don't. modern culture and attitudes are horrible. the whole 'me-me-me-me' philosophy everyone seems to get in life these days, where we want instant gratification or to 'kill' someone.

i really do laugh at the idea the because we have cars, planes, computers and bottled water that we are 'better' and 'more civilized' than any other animal on the planet. i really do laugh at the idea that people don't conisder themselves animals, that to call someone an animal is an insult. it's a fact. we are mammals. we are like whales, cats, dogs, bats.

didn't you hate the person in school who thought he/she was better than everyone else? you know the snotty brain or the bragging jock? you thought how pretentious they were? didn't you just realize that for once they would shut up and realize how just like everyone else they were..that how great they were was really only in their head?

well..guess what? wake up. we arn't what we think we are...no by a long shot.