"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." -- unknown

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - Albert Einstein

old and missing
2001-08-26 - 10:11 p.m.

i hate the idea of it. i hate the idea of being 'old'. the whole concept of it. the loss of mental and physical abilities and skills.

but then what is old? is 30 old? is 40? is 50? is 60? is 70?

is old not an age, but a state of mind? is it possible to be old at 20? is old not so much the loss of abilities or skills but how you think and feel? is old reaching a point where you say 'that's it, there's nothing more i can do. this is as good as it gets.' or is old when you wake up and think 'remeber that summer? that was the best time of my life.'

or is old simpler. is old when you wake up and say 'hey, i'm not young anymore. i need to take this whole life thing seriously and stop fooling around.'

if so, i think i've been old all my life. i know i don't really live life. i don't seem to get pleasure from the things others do. i don't get all swept up in the fun of the moment. i'm either bored or busy doing something so i don't realize i'm bored. i couldn't really tell you what fun is. i hate it when people ask me what hobbies i have or what i enjoy doing. i'm not like that. i'm not like you.

i don't want to be old, but i think i am. i think i grew old without ever really going young.

i don't have a hobby. i don't have a driving passion. i don't have a goal or a dream.

i wake up. i go to work. i come home. i go to bed.

they say these are the best years of my life. they seem the same as every other year i've had.

somewhere, somehow i missed something.

i don't want to grow old, but then...since when did what i want factor into anything?

what a i going to do if i am old?

goddamn, i can't even decide if i am old or not. that speaks volumes doesn't it?