"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." -- unknown

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - Albert Einstein

happy and impatient...
2001-04-08 - 10:01 a.m.

Spell might be the wrong word, but it conveys the meaning...

I am happy and excited as I have not been in a long, long time. Time and again I find my thoughts turning back to you. I sit and smile...waiting for you to come back...waiting for us to talk again.

I am impatient though. As happy as I am now, I know that better things are to come. I hunger for more. I am greedy and I see nothing wrong with that, that is part of my nature. I come alive and am presistent when I find something I want. I see myself being truly happy...satisfied. I hope you feel the same.

I feel frustrated though, knowing how close...but as they say...so far away it is. I wonder what I should do, should say. You know what I crave and I think you feel the same. It is an awkward time, but then nervousness and apprehension are natrual. I feel the anixety and to be honest...I like the feeling. I feel on the edge of something truly good and I can't think of anything I wouldn't do to go over that edge.

I know what I want to do, perhaps even what I should do...but I am fearful of screwing things up. I should be in my car...driving up...we should be having dinner tonight. Am I being to cautious? Am I being wise in not going?

I had this vision of me standing, waiting for you to come out. A hand behind my back as you see me. A flash of disbelief on your face, then a smile...a very nervous smile. We approach, I can see the questions in your eyes...Whats going on?...Why am I here?...Why is your hand behind your back? Would you be mad, well I'm sure you'd be mad, but really mad or that happy sort of mad that women get at being suprised? Of course I know that will pass...My mischievous grin never fades as my hand comes from behind my back. The look on your face, regardless of the rest of the night, is worth the trip. A simple dinner...talking...seeing you smile...hearing you laugh...just being with you. I shiver just thinking of hugging you...

I don't know how much longer I can wait...

I know I don't want to screw things up...and I'm trying not to...but I know what I want, what I hunger for...it's been years and I'm famished...I'm being as patient as I can...I am willing to do things as you want...so please tell me what you want...how you want things to be.

I feel giddy and foolish...but excited and eager...as I sit here waiting for you.