"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." -- unknown

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - Albert Einstein

theory...?
2001-03-21 - 06:13 p.m.

"Hey, I left you a message earlier at a wrong number, but you never called me back."

I found it very, very funny at the time...perhaps you have to be in sales, I dunno.

Anyway...

I think I'm only happy when it rains, to borrow a line from Garbage. It's odd. I think I've placed being 'happy' on such a high and imporant level that it's something I don't think I will ever experience...so I've twisted myself into taking a kind or perverse pleasure in finding something 'good' and then doing my damnest to just smash it to bits...all the while claiming to want things to succeed. I'm not just talking relationships, but everything in my life in general.

Taking this as a working hypotheses to look at my behavior...especially in personal relationships, things take on an alarming focus. However...as much as I somehow take a twist enjoyment of torturing myself, I'm always left feeling only marginally better about myself than I do about eating raw maggot infested muskrat meat, which is to say...not to thrilled.

Now, this is only a recently thought of 'model' for some of my behavior...and it's not to say I like the current state of affairs. I'm not, which is why I spend so much time thinking about it.

I think I owe quite a few people apologies. I don't think I'm a horrid person, just one who relates differently to people than is 'normal' and I seem to expect very different reactions to what I do...at least compared to what I get.

I think what I need is someone to come along, smack me in the back of head and straighten out my wiring..mebbe knocking something back into place that's come loose...